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Wednesday, May 12, 2004


Monday, May 03, 2004

hay whats up

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

wow.... i haven't looked at this place at ages. i can't read it anymore. it actually makes me depressed. just the state of mind i was in, everything. i feel like just binning it, but im really not that kind of person

PixelatedPansy: the names jackie/jacquie, mark, gabriel/gabrielle/gabriella, meliissa/lisa/liz/elisabeth have always been good to me, ive noticed.
PixelatedPansy: Damn right
equidistance: :-[
equidistance: i was in a wierd place when i wrote that.

i am not a beautiful or unique snowflake. self introspection feels sort of petty after awhile. i dont think ill be posting in here anymore. i have nothing to say. don't hold me on that though.

i've been keeping a journal over at:, but seeing as i don't really advertise this url outside of people who link me, 75% of all hits come from it and thats how youre probably reading this. i'm treating it more like an exagerrated fictional fun thing though.

in the words of calvin & hobbes 'let's go exploring!'

Saturday, October 05, 2002

/listening to mario lanza - the donkey's serenade and andreas dorau - tiere em riegen

i haven't written anything in a while and thought i'd try to pound something out before i have to run some errands.

a lot of stuff has happened in the last few months. things i haven't quite talked about to anyone in full really; i can't really explain it anymore. looking back at recent posts are a morbid curiousity. this is the part where i talk about what i learned, but i didn't really learn anything; just a feeling, a sense. oh and i find myself listening to lots and lots of enya.

i've been thinking about what i actually want in life, but its a lot easier to say what i *don't* want. it's like this feeling theres always this new 'form' of something familiar enough to recognize, but you haven't found it yet, or even then that you quite can't well do it yourself convincingly yet. hmph.

i've been in a few situations where i've realized all the things i busy myself ultimately mean absolutely nothing. this also applies to anyone i know. my problems mean absolutely nothing. i dont know why its taking/it took so long to get over....myself. im quite convinced i'm not exactly the best person in the world. and my life is too short for regret. i think the only things im truly proud of is that i'm an organ donor, i click on 82 donation sites at least once a day, and that i throw away organic trash in the lake behind my house. everything else is just "for fun".

ive been taking jazz dancing classes, and soon piano. ive been really obsessed with finding somewhere to 'learn' mime, for some unexplainable reason. clown school would be fun too. im really in vincent minelli directed musicals at the moment. lately i've been reading the 'lone wolf and cub' serials, and all the normal books on samurai code. *shrugs*. sooner or later i'll gear myself into a halloween mood. ive realized that i try to make the rest of the year into halloween. i always find it disappointing when people i haven't seen for a while are able to recognize me. or even worse, people who have only seen a picture of me, *once*. aretha frankin and little richard are coming to town, dunno if i want to catch that. but im really mad that i missed bea arthur awhile back......and the funny thing i've noticed about regret it that its worse to regret something you didn't do, than something you did.

did you know when a possum 'plays dead', it is unconscious? like river phoenix in my own private idaho? :)

Saturday, September 21, 2002

/listening to omd - souvenir

heres something fun. i want you take a glance at the wall directly behind this computer screen. now imagine as far beyond the wall as you can go. outside what we consider space and the universe...... god, religion, and collective consciousness aside, you are "here" and everything is "real" ; so has to be a line, a wall... where all things must abruptly stop. and then whatever after that is "nothing". isn't that odd?

also, think about your life. you are so and so years old. you were at one point a fetus, and even then smaller than a neutrino. so at what point did your existence begin. you know? you just blinked into living? how did it happen? chemical reactions? every life is a thermodynamic miracle. we're all chancers. gamblers like the world has never seen.

when i was in the 8th grade i decided that all religions were pointless. all though what we call "god" must exist, since every action has a reaction, a law of human psychics but ,nothing + ______ (blank being whatever it is that started the universe) = universe. so whats the point anymore you can say god exists, but if you cant answer anything above, then why all the sudden did you just assume anything about it's nature? i dont know. whatever.

earlier today for a while i couldn't stop thinking about taking up mime. i think it would be really interesting. but....not thinking about it became impossible. it became an obsession. earlier earlier today someone i was with had a cramp that lived even after i gave a foot massage for what seemed like...minutes. then the person's arm started to cramp.

in the very near future, in addition to work and all my interests and doing nothing, i will regularly babysitting two babies in relation to me. my siblings (i am youngest) seemed to have managed to have 3 babies with months of each other. so it is unavoidable. i will watch singing in the rain when i am "watching" one of them today.

this is not the entry i wanted to make. i will post the intended one later today. its all very random

Monday, September 09, 2002

marvin gaye - youre a wonderful one

i just went grocery shopping. its a shame they didn't play doo wop like they usually do, but i like to grocery shop when i am fucking starving....but you seem to want everything! and one of the problems i've been told i have is that i don't seem to want enough things. its funny i guess.

i've been listening to kate bush's hounds of love lately, and its been really good for me and alot fo funny stuff in my life i spent one night just listening to it over and over., would almost say its a part of me now even though i forgot i listened to it. especially side two, which is a concept album called 'the ninth wave'. i think i want to name a child after it now.

Grimmissis: oh man, the ninth wave
Grimmissis: that fucks me up and i dont take drugs

on a friend's recommendation, i consulted an acupuncturist, for what i thought was my recent depression. when he asked where i was having pain, i felt pretty stupid. i have no pain. and i have no problems whatsoever. my life is pretty good. im extremely lucky to be who i am, where im at and what i consider my strenghs. im not perfect but theres always room for improvement.

there was a tornado watch that night so afterwards i drove went to the water and watch it calm down and night turn into morning. it was very calming..cathartic. watching distant chaos change shapes. i don't know how long i was out there. easily 8 hours....seemed to pass pretty quickly a once in a lifetime thing. until it happens again.

i bought some feeder mice.a couple days ago when i went into a reptile store with a friend. that was a pretty strange day in itselt, i've really liked aretha franklin's you make me feel like a natural woman lately, and so i was singing she was, and all the sudden she was, and some strangers who just happened to walk by too. anyway i bought these feeder mice, which are apparently mice they feed to large reptiles. my logic was that they were bred to live until they are die in the belly of a snake, so they would have a better life with me. i let them go. i guess if you like things enough, you set them free.

they were probably eaten by birds, i mean if you think about it they had the instinct to live bred out of them ages ages and they're white for gods sake, but hey whatever. at least they got to make it in the big city!

Thursday, August 29, 2002

the names jackie/jacquie, mark, gabriel/gabrielle/gabriella, meliissa/lisa/liz/elisabeth have always been good to me, ive noticed.

i had this dream earlier today. me and this girl went to go see went to go see star wars episode 2, only it was done in the animation style of the hunchback of notre dame. the girl was this girl ive met a couple times, but dont know at all. shes gorgeous, amd insanely smarter in all aspects, than me. always had an untouchable quality to her. i was quite suprised about the situation of the dream (all too real from recents events) and the fact that that person was even in my dream palette now. there are no seats. its sort of like to sloping, steep siide of a dam, only covered in red theatre carpet. we sit *exactly* dead to rights in the middle, in a way you can't measure, up and down. i lay down, im wearing slightly pointy shoes, and she remarks about how no one has sat up with her as an equal...then im awaken by movement. kind of wondering what happened. where does a dream go when you wake up? ...who cares?

i guess this is where i say that im getting/gotten over something. i want to say something dramatic like "a part of me died...", but the whole thing has far far better for me than it should be. i think i watched taxi driver two days ago and i felt like him, only destined to one conclusion, and i feel like that now, only now in an extremely positive way. what ive been more concerned with, is what was going on wrong with my life that got me involved......its been incredibly bracing. like ted boynton, in the movie barcelona, says after waking up from a coma, 'im just now remembering marta (not a particularly good person), god i really screwed it up with her didn't i? im not gonna be a cry baby about it" there have been certain people and things that have spiritually refreshing in ways i needed.

ive been on an utterly insane Kate Bush kick. im listening to Hounds of Love and The Sensual World albums alot. and lots of joyce and arenas. go figure.

equidistance: do you own a kate bush album?
veronicafake: Yes.
veronicafake: and a video.
veronicafake: just two albums...
equidistance: is the album worth teh money?
veronicafake: Yes.
equidistance: just wondering
veronicafake: Greatest Hits. Thumbs up.
veronicafake: Hounds of Love...pretty good.
equidistance: im thinking the 'the sensual world' would be good for me
veronicafake: Why don't you just download a cd's worth of her better songs?
equidistance: i always love the 'passion' albums. the ones that stand out in an established artist's careeer as the ones
veronicafake: an album I always meant to buy..
veronicafake: 'the sensual world' rocks.
equidistance: i know, dont it
veronicafake: passion albums in general?
veronicafake: do most established artists have a passion album?
equidistance: yeah...definitely...
equidistance: i would consider bjork - vespertine one
equidistance: pet shop boys - behavior, erasure's self titled.
veronicafake: what's elvis costello's sex album?
equidistance: and adam ant - strip
equidistance: im not that well versed...
equidistance: i would guess, the juliet letters
veronicafake: ah, yes.
veronicafake: sexual costello doesn't really appeal to me.
equidistance: or whatever one he did with the brodsky quartet

while i was in the music store, i saw the poster for chicken fried steak. i actually had to look for it. i dont know whens the next time i would ever find myself in a music store again....

equidistance: ?

Auto response from bigoleafro: my horse is a car with the V12 motor

bigoleafro: country rap tunes
equidistance: i have a v6 and i think its too much
bigoleafro: probably
equidistance: yeah
bigoleafro: i saw this promo material for "tow down" in the mall
bigoleafro: his new album is called "chicken fried steak"
bigoleafro: and the promo thing is a plate of chicken fried steak
bigoleafro: it was the best ever
equidistance: do you even realize what youre saying makes no sense to me?
bigoleafro: it doesn't to me either
equidistance: nonetheless, i i enjoy it
bigoleafro: i just had to get that promo chicken fried steak
equidistance: i have to to
bigoleafro: dude you've never heard "country rap tunes"???
equidistance: no
bigoleafro: it should be all over the place in houston... he's a white rapper from there
bigoleafro: TOW DOWN
bigoleafro: you have to mention that he'
bigoleafro: he's a white rapper
bigoleafro: not just a rapper
equidistance: dude...this is like talking to a 16 year old anime girl about adam ant....
bigoleafro: heh
equidistance: its like..we should know this kind of crap..but we dont
bigoleafro: his fucking album is called chicken fried steak though...
bigoleafro: okay
bigoleafro: on the cover is a waitress in a vinyl yellow waitress outfit
bigoleafro: carrying a plate to him... he's all laid back in the booth
bigoleafro: but her outfit is fucking yellow vinyl
equidistance: i love how intently youre describing this
equidistance: ASL?
bigoleafro: that's not the best part...
equidistance: sweet lord
bigoleafro: see, on his promo card that i picked up at hastings there's a bunch of lines that are seperated into two lines
bigoleafro: NAME and PHONE#
equidistance: whats hastings?
bigoleafro: and at the top it says "GET THEM DIGITS!"
bigoleafro: the music/book/video store
bigoleafro: it's a chain
equidistance: ahhh..okay.
equidistance: that was the name of my old high school
bigoleafro: wicked
equidistance: and i was should better than that...dave
equidistance: picking up white boy rappers promo cards at my old high night or whatever
bigoleafro: i don't know about buying cds at high school
equidistance: ugh
bigoleafro: but i used to sell screw tapes when i was a freshman
equidistance: how does the weekend look for you?
bigoleafro: i have to go out to the bars... it's my roommate's birthday
bigoleafro: i live with a wigger and a jock
bigoleafro: i'm so out of my element
equidistance: sounds nice
bigoleafro: it's awesome
equidistance: exactly
equidistance: and you talk fried steak..the album...
bigoleafro: actually, that's my favorite food
equidistance: ew
bigoleafro: i want to make a coffee table book about it
equidistance: shut up
bigoleafro: i do
equidistance: i know...
equidistance: and the thing is..i can see it
bigoleafro: i am going around texas and reviewing every chicken fried steak i can find
bigoleafro: i already know the best place, according to texas monthly... it's in brenham
equidistance: texas monthy....
equidistance: youre a hick
bigoleafro: it was in the restarurant dude!
bigoleafro: i just happened to go up in there
equidistance: ahhhh
equidistance: okay then.
bigoleafro: and it was the bomb!
bigoleafro: i'm going to the store
equidistance: alright
equidistance: have fun
equidistance: back?
bigoleafro: yes
equidistance: what happened?
bigoleafro: i went to the store
bigoleafro: and i drove back
equidistance: get anything?
bigoleafro: cigarettes
bigoleafro: yup
equidistance: oh smoke.
bigoleafro: i swear all the girls that work in that store want my jock
equidistance: im sure they do...
bigoleafro: for real man
bigoleafro: i can just tell!
bigoleafro: it's only that one store
equidistance: sigh
bigoleafro: they're all fly too
bigoleafro: me = greater than
bigoleafro: yeah so anyway
bigoleafro: i ate at outback today
bigoleafro: and when i was leaving there were real australians going in
equidistance: and??
bigoleafro signed off at 10:56:45 PM.
bigoleafro signed on at 10:56:56 PM.
equidistance: oh jesus
bigoleafro: so where was i
bigoleafro: so where was i
equidistance: i thought you were gonna leave me hanging like that
bigoleafro: oh yes
bigoleafro: the hostess said "YOU'LL FIT RIGHT IN HERE!"
equidistance: and they were all like....
bigoleafro: they were polite
bigoleafro: but on the inside they were seething
bigoleafro: my stories suck
equidistance: dude
bigoleafro: yes
equidistance: i love shit like that...
equidistance: you know i do.
bigoleafro: awesome
bigoleafro: yeah, i thought it was good stuff
equidistance: especially on nights like these
bigoleafro: most people would be like WTF that story sucks dude

Sunday, August 25, 2002

/listening to....i think this is Tool someone is playing

it was my 22nd birthday yesterday.

i know i could talk about it right now. or i might not at all, i don't know really. the only thing i feel i should say is at point i actually felt i was richard simmons. it was terrifying and i never want to be *there* again, but oddly i know i will. i should be feeling peggy lee torch songy, but i feel more like a impossilble bob fosse dance sequence while frank sinatra's i don't dance is playing. that makes no sense at all, but it does to me.

well....the day is young and i feel like putting myself in unthinkable suprises, about to happen.

i hope you read this sentence and think of a joke youve heard from a rather odd stranger, and that *moment* hits you that youve fallen under the spell of it/him , you slowly begin to realize hes fucking insane.

Friday, August 23, 2002

you know, bryan adams....or some guy i heard on the radio goes on, long after thrill of living is gone....

ive been thinking about that...its pretty funny. things that mean nothing and everything at the same time....

something steven segal wrote on the wall: anticipation of death is worst then death itself

polotician on tv: you can take that to the bank!
stevan segal to himself: ill take you to the bank... THE BLOOD BANK.

both from the film Hard to Kill

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

/listening to belle and sebastian. kell meh.

you know, i probably never talked about it here, but ive told anyone who had been willing to listen. that i always had the feeling that i would die in a car accident. it just felt right. maybe because im a bad driver and the odds are good. i was kind of resigned and accepted it. somehow its now different. i still accept it, but now i kind of embrace it. and not in any morbid way.

miscellanae that reasonably says how ive been feeling about life:

a little Blondie cartoon in which Dagwood made a really big sandwich, and the caption underneath said: Life Is Like A Sandwich, and I'm Starving!

my dream is get out of the hospital and to live a happy life. with freedom, and roast beef, and swiss cheese wrapped around it, once, twice. and a big coke. - crazy lady with broken glasses

Life moves fast - if you don't stop and look around once in a while you might miss it. - Ferris Beuller was on a few days ago. sue me.

i just read my own journal from start to end. it is really strange to read. sometimes i am suprised how candid i was, i try not to talk about anyone/anything/ or any particular event. it is also strange to read myself talking about watch television when i fell out of the habit of watching about a year ago.

i'd post some pictures here but my image hoster appears to be down at the moment. next post i swear.