glen's homophobia newsletter

2004-05-12T12:31:00.000-05:00

post

2004-05-03T12:06:00.000-05:00

hay whats up

2002-12-18T04:30:00.000-06:00

wow.... i haven't looked at this place at ages. i can't read it anymore. it actually makes me depressed. just the state of mind i was in, everything. i feel like just binning it, but im really not that kind of person

PixelatedPansy: the names jackie/jacquie, mark, gabriel/gabrielle/gabriella, meliissa/lisa/liz/elisabeth have always been good to me, ive noticed.
PixelatedPansy: Damn right
equidistance: :-[
equidistance: i was in a wierd place when i wrote that.

i am not a beautiful or unique snowflake. self introspection feels sort of petty after awhile. i dont think ill be posting in here anymore. i have nothing to say. don't hold me on that though.

i've been keeping a journal over at: http://www.livejournal.com/users/sugartwins/, but seeing as i don't really advertise this url outside of people who link me, 75% of all hits come from it and thats how youre probably reading this. i'm treating it more like an exagerrated fictional fun thing though.

in the words of calvin & hobbes 'let's go exploring!'

2002-10-05T11:37:00.000-05:00

/listening to mario lanza - the donkey's serenade and andreas dorau - tiere em riegen

i haven't written anything in a while and thought i'd try to pound something out before i have to run some errands.

a lot of stuff has happened in the last few months. things i haven't quite talked about to anyone in full really; i can't really explain it anymore. looking back at recent posts are a morbid curiousity. this is the part where i talk about what i learned, but i didn't really learn anything; just a feeling, a sense. oh and i find myself listening to lots and lots of enya.

i've been thinking about what i actually want in life, but its a lot easier to say what i *don't* want. it's like this feeling theres always this new 'form' of something familiar enough to recognize, but you haven't found it yet, or even then that you quite can't well do it yourself convincingly yet. hmph.

i've been in a few situations where i've realized all the things i busy myself ultimately mean absolutely nothing. this also applies to anyone i know. my problems mean absolutely nothing. i dont know why its taking/it took so long to get over....myself. im quite convinced i'm not exactly the best person in the world. and my life is too short for regret. i think the only things im truly proud of is that i'm an organ donor, i click on 82 donation sites at least once a day, and that i throw away organic trash in the lake behind my house. everything else is just "for fun".

ive been taking jazz dancing classes, and soon piano. ive been really obsessed with finding somewhere to 'learn' mime, for some unexplainable reason. clown school would be fun too. im really in vincent minelli directed musicals at the moment. lately i've been reading the 'lone wolf and cub' serials, and all the normal books on samurai code. *shrugs*. sooner or later i'll gear myself into a halloween mood. ive realized that i try to make the rest of the year into halloween. i always find it disappointing when people i haven't seen for a while are able to recognize me. or even worse, people who have only seen a picture of me, *once*. aretha frankin and little richard are coming to town, dunno if i want to catch that. but im really mad that i missed bea arthur awhile back......and the funny thing i've noticed about regret it that its worse to regret something you didn't do, than something you did.

did you know when a possum 'plays dead', it is unconscious? like river phoenix in my own private idaho? :)

2002-09-21T08:53:00.000-05:00

/listening to omd - souvenir

heres something fun. i want you take a glance at the wall directly behind this computer screen. now imagine as far beyond the wall as you can go. outside what we consider space and the universe...... god, religion, and collective consciousness aside, you are "here" and everything is "real" ; so has to be a line, a wall... where all things must abruptly stop. and then whatever after that is "nothing". isn't that odd?

also, think about your life. you are so and so years old. you were at one point a fetus, and even then smaller than a neutrino. so at what point did your existence begin. you know? you just blinked into living? how did it happen? chemical reactions? every life is a thermodynamic miracle. we're all chancers. gamblers like the world has never seen.

when i was in the 8th grade i decided that all religions were pointless. all though what we call "god" must exist, since every action has a reaction, a law of human psychics but ,nothing + ______ (blank being whatever it is that started the universe) = universe. so whats the point anymore you can say god exists, but if you cant answer anything above, then why all the sudden did you just assume anything about it's nature? i dont know. whatever.

earlier today for a while i couldn't stop thinking about taking up mime. i think it would be really interesting. but....not thinking about it became impossible. it became an obsession. earlier earlier today someone i was with had a cramp that lived even after i gave a foot massage for what seemed like...minutes. then the person's arm started to cramp.

in the very near future, in addition to work and all my interests and doing nothing, i will regularly babysitting two babies in relation to me. my siblings (i am youngest) seemed to have managed to have 3 babies with months of each other. so it is unavoidable. i will watch singing in the rain when i am "watching" one of them today.

this is not the entry i wanted to make. i will post the intended one later today. its all very random

2002-09-09T04:37:00.000-05:00

marvin gaye - youre a wonderful one

i just went grocery shopping. its a shame they didn't play doo wop like they usually do, but i like to grocery shop when i am fucking starving....but you seem to want everything! and one of the problems i've been told i have is that i don't seem to want enough things. its funny i guess.

i've been listening to kate bush's hounds of love lately, and its been really good for me and alot fo funny stuff in my life i spent one night just listening to it over and over., would almost say its a part of me now even though i forgot i listened to it. especially side two, which is a concept album called 'the ninth wave'. i think i want to name a child after it now.

Grimmissis: oh man, the ninth wave
Grimmissis: that fucks me up and i dont take drugs

on a friend's recommendation, i consulted an acupuncturist, for what i thought was my recent depression. when he asked where i was having pain, i felt pretty stupid. i have no pain. and i have no problems whatsoever. my life is pretty good. im extremely lucky to be who i am, where im at and what i consider my strenghs. im not perfect but theres always room for improvement.

there was a tornado watch that night so afterwards i drove went to the water and watch it calm down and night turn into morning. it was very calming..cathartic. watching distant chaos change shapes. i don't know how long i was out there. easily 8 hours....seemed to pass pretty quickly a once in a lifetime thing. until it happens again.

i bought some feeder mice.a couple days ago when i went into a reptile store with a friend. that was a pretty strange day in itselt, i've really liked aretha franklin's you make me feel like a natural woman lately, and so i was singing she was, and all the sudden she was, and some strangers who just happened to walk by too. anyway i bought these feeder mice, which are apparently mice they feed to large reptiles. my logic was that they were bred to live until they are die in the belly of a snake, so they would have a better life with me. i let them go. i guess if you like things enough, you set them free.

they were probably eaten by birds, i mean if you think about it they had the instinct to live bred out of them ages ages and they're white for gods sake, but hey whatever. at least they got to make it in the big city!

2002-08-29T11:34:00.000-05:00

the names jackie/jacquie, mark, gabriel/gabrielle/gabriella, meliissa/lisa/liz/elisabeth have always been good to me, ive noticed.

i had this dream earlier today. me and this girl went to go see went to go see star wars episode 2, only it was done in the animation style of the hunchback of notre dame. the girl was this girl ive met a couple times, but dont know at all. shes gorgeous, amd insanely smarter in all aspects, than me. always had an untouchable quality to her. i was quite suprised about the situation of the dream (all too real from recents events) and the fact that that person was even in my dream palette now. there are no seats. its sort of like to sloping, steep siide of a dam, only covered in red theatre carpet. we sit *exactly* dead to rights in the middle, in a way you can't measure, up and down. i lay down, im wearing slightly pointy shoes, and she remarks about how no one has sat up with her as an equal...then im awaken by movement. kind of wondering what happened. where does a dream go when you wake up? ...who cares?

i guess this is where i say that im getting/gotten over something. i want to say something dramatic like "a part of me died...", but the whole thing has far far better for me than it should be. i think i watched taxi driver two days ago and i felt like him, only destined to one conclusion, and i feel like that now, only now in an extremely positive way. what ive been more concerned with, is what was going on wrong with my life that got me involved......its been incredibly bracing. like ted boynton, in the movie barcelona, says after waking up from a coma, 'im just now remembering marta (not a particularly good person), god i really screwed it up with her didn't i? im not gonna be a cry baby about it" there have been certain people and things that have spiritually refreshing in ways i needed.

ive been on an utterly insane Kate Bush kick. im listening to Hounds of Love and The Sensual World albums alot. and lots of joyce and arenas. go figure.

equidistance: do you own a kate bush album?
veronicafake: Yes.
veronicafake: and a video.
veronicafake: just two albums...
equidistance: is the album worth teh money?
veronicafake: Yes.
equidistance: just wondering
veronicafake: Greatest Hits. Thumbs up.
veronicafake: Hounds of Love...pretty good.
equidistance: im thinking the 'the sensual world' would be good for me
veronicafake: Why don't you just download a cd's worth of her better songs?
equidistance: i always love the 'passion' albums. the ones that stand out in an established artist's careeer as the ones
veronicafake: an album I always meant to buy..
veronicafake: 'the sensual world' rocks.
equidistance: i know, dont it
veronicafake: passion albums in general?
veronicafake: do most established artists have a passion album?
equidistance: yeah...definitely...
equidistance: i would consider bjork - vespertine one
equidistance: pet shop boys - behavior, erasure's self titled.
veronicafake: what's elvis costello's sex album?
equidistance: and adam ant - strip
equidistance: im not that well versed...
equidistance: i would guess, the juliet letters
veronicafake: ah, yes.
veronicafake: sexual costello doesn't really appeal to me.
equidistance: or whatever one he did with the brodsky quartet

while i was in the music store, i saw the poster for chicken fried steak. i actually had to look for it. i dont know whens the next time i would ever find myself in a music store again....

equidistance: ?

Auto response from bigoleafro: my horse is a car with the V12 motor

bigoleafro: country rap tunes
equidistance: i have a v6 and i think its too much
bigoleafro: probably
equidistance: yeah
bigoleafro: i saw this promo material for "tow down" in the mall
bigoleafro: his new album is called "chicken fried steak"
bigoleafro: and the promo thing is a plate of chicken fried steak
bigoleafro: it was the best ever
equidistance: do you even realize what youre saying makes no sense to me?
bigoleafro: it doesn't to me either
equidistance: nonetheless, i i enjoy it
bigoleafro: i just had to get that promo chicken fried steak
equidistance: god..now i have to to
bigoleafro: dude you've never heard "country rap tunes"???
equidistance: no
bigoleafro: it should be all over the place in houston... he's a white rapper from there
bigoleafro: TOW DOWN
bigoleafro: you have to mention that he'
bigoleafro: he's a white rapper
bigoleafro: not just a rapper
equidistance: dude...this is like talking to a 16 year old anime girl about adam ant....
bigoleafro: heh
equidistance: its like..we should know this kind of crap..but we dont
bigoleafro: his fucking album is called chicken fried steak though...
bigoleafro: okay
bigoleafro: on the cover is a waitress in a vinyl yellow waitress outfit
bigoleafro: carrying a plate to him... he's all laid back in the booth
bigoleafro: but her outfit is fucking yellow vinyl
equidistance: i love how intently youre describing this
equidistance: ASL?
bigoleafro: that's not the best part...
equidistance: sweet lord
bigoleafro: see, on his promo card that i picked up at hastings there's a bunch of lines that are seperated into two lines
bigoleafro: NAME and PHONE#
equidistance: whats hastings?
bigoleafro: and at the top it says "GET THEM DIGITS!"
bigoleafro: the music/book/video store
bigoleafro: it's a chain
equidistance: ahhh..okay.
equidistance: that was the name of my old high school
bigoleafro: wicked
equidistance: and i was like...you should better than that...dave
equidistance: picking up white boy rappers promo cards at my old high school...at night or whatever
bigoleafro: i don't know about buying cds at high school
equidistance: ugh
bigoleafro: but i used to sell screw tapes when i was a freshman
equidistance: how does the weekend look for you?
bigoleafro: i have to go out to the bars... it's my roommate's birthday
bigoleafro: i live with a wigger and a jock
bigoleafro: i'm so out of my element
equidistance: sounds nice
bigoleafro: it's awesome
equidistance: exactly
equidistance: and you talk about....country fried steak..the album...
bigoleafro: actually, that's my favorite food
equidistance: ew
bigoleafro: i want to make a coffee table book about it
equidistance: shut up
bigoleafro: i do
equidistance: i know...
equidistance: and the thing is..i can see it
bigoleafro: i am going around texas and reviewing every chicken fried steak i can find
bigoleafro: i already know the best place, according to texas monthly... it's in brenham
equidistance: texas monthy....
equidistance: youre a hick
bigoleafro: it was in the restarurant dude!
bigoleafro: i just happened to go up in there
equidistance: ahhhh
equidistance: okay then.
bigoleafro: and it was the bomb!
bigoleafro: i'm going to the store
equidistance: alright
equidistance: have fun
equidistance: back?
bigoleafro: yes
equidistance: what happened?
bigoleafro: i went to the store
bigoleafro: and i drove back
equidistance: get anything?
bigoleafro: cigarettes
bigoleafro: yup
equidistance: oh yeah..you smoke.
bigoleafro: i swear all the girls that work in that store want my jock
equidistance: im sure they do...
bigoleafro: for real man
bigoleafro: i can just tell!
bigoleafro: it's only that one store
equidistance: sigh
bigoleafro: they're all fly too
bigoleafro: me = greater than
bigoleafro: yeah so anyway
bigoleafro: i ate at outback today
bigoleafro: and when i was leaving there were real australians going in
equidistance: and??
bigoleafro signed off at 10:56:45 PM.
bigoleafro signed on at 10:56:56 PM.
equidistance: oh jesus
bigoleafro: so where was i
bigoleafro: so where was i
equidistance: i thought you were gonna leave me hanging like that
bigoleafro: oh yes
bigoleafro: the hostess said "YOU'LL FIT RIGHT IN HERE!"
equidistance: and they were all like....
bigoleafro: they were polite
bigoleafro: but on the inside they were seething
bigoleafro: my stories suck
equidistance: dude
bigoleafro: yes
equidistance: i love shit like that...
equidistance: you know i do.
bigoleafro: awesome
bigoleafro: yeah, i thought it was good stuff
equidistance: especially on nights like these
bigoleafro: most people would be like WTF that story sucks dude

2002-08-25T13:09:00.000-05:00

/listening to....i think this is Tool someone is playing

it was my 22nd birthday yesterday.

i know i could talk about it right now. or i might not at all, i don't know really. the only thing i feel i should say is at point i actually felt i was richard simmons. it was terrifying and i never want to be *there* again, but oddly i know i will. i should be feeling peggy lee torch songy, but i feel more like a impossilble bob fosse dance sequence while frank sinatra's i don't dance is playing. that makes no sense at all, but it does to me.

well....the day is young and i feel like putting myself in unthinkable suprises, about to happen.

i hope you read this sentence and think of a joke youve heard from a rather odd stranger, and that *moment* hits you that youve fallen under the spell of it/him , you slowly begin to realize hes fucking insane.

2002-08-23T13:36:00.000-05:00

you know, bryan adams....or some guy i heard on the radio sang...life goes on, long after thrill of living is gone....

ive been thinking about that...its pretty funny. things that mean nothing and everything at the same time....

something steven segal wrote on the wall: anticipation of death is worst then death itself

polotician on tv: you can take that to the bank!
stevan segal to himself: ill take you to the bank... THE BLOOD BANK.

both from the film Hard to Kill

2002-08-13T09:13:00.000-05:00

/listening to belle and sebastian. kell meh.

you know, i probably never talked about it here, but ive told anyone who had been willing to listen. that i always had the feeling that i would die in a car accident. it just felt right. maybe because im a bad driver and the odds are good. i was kind of resigned and accepted it. somehow its now different. i still accept it, but now i kind of embrace it. and not in any morbid way.

miscellanae that reasonably says how ive been feeling about life:

a little Blondie cartoon in which Dagwood made a really big sandwich, and the caption underneath said: Life Is Like A Sandwich, and I'm Starving!

my dream is get out of the hospital and to live a happy life. with freedom, and roast beef, and swiss cheese wrapped around it, once, twice. and a big coke. - crazy lady with broken glasses

Life moves fast - if you don't stop and look around once in a while you might miss it. - Ferris Beuller was on a few days ago. sue me.

i just read my own journal from start to end. it is really strange to read. sometimes i am suprised how candid i was, i try not to talk about anyone/anything/ or any particular event. it is also strange to read myself talking about watch television when i fell out of the habit of watching about a year ago.

i'd post some pictures here but my image hoster appears to be down at the moment. next post i swear.

2002-08-12T18:00:00.000-05:00

/listening to robert palmer - i didn't mean to turn you on.

haven't written in the journal in a while. i feel i should feel guilty, but i guess i dont. i hear third person recounts of people reading what i write and it totally breaks down the fourth wall for me. i would like to say i write everything just to amuse me, but thats not entirely true. if it was all for me, this wouldn't even be here to read and it would all remain in my head and i'd like waste my time playing that part in silent hill 2 where you jump down a hole and then jump down another one.

i really want to write in here, but not now. i have this real craving for low grade meat, and it must happen. plus some other things. reminds me of the part in the fly where they eat steaks and the pleasures of the flesh and the poetry of the steak and then brundle talks about that connecting point "beyond the veil of the flesh" thats even better. man, i talk lots of shit. and i say the same things. and i always hated that point where you know what someone is going to say before open their mouth and it makes you sick to your stomach.

anyways....heres the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. im sure it means something completely different to the writer than what it means to me, and now looking at the lyrics, i see i misheard and misintended some of the lyrics. whutevah.

THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES
(Sinead O'Connor)

It seems like years since you held the baby
While I wrecked the bedroom
You said it was dangerous after Sunday
And I knew you loved me
He thinks I just became famous
And that's what messed me up
But he's wrong
How could I possibly know what I want
When I was only twenty-one?
And there's millions of people
To offer advice and say how I should be
But they're twisted
And they will never be any influence on me
But you will always be
You will always be

If I treated you mean
I really didn't mean to
But you know how it is
And how a pregnancy can change you

I see plenty of clothes that I like
But I won't go anywhere nice for a while
All I want to do is just sit here
And write it all down and rest for a while
I can't bear to be in another city
One where you are not
I would return to nothing without you
If I'm your girlfriend or not

Maybe I was mean
But I really don't think so
You asked if I'm scared
And I said so

Everyone can see what's going on
They laugh `cause they know they're untouchable
Not because what I said was wrong
It might be brave
I will live by my own policies
I will sleep with a clear conscience
I will sleep in peace

Maybe it sounds mean
But I really don't think so
You asked for the truth and I told you

Through their own words
They will be exposed
They've got a severe case of
The emperor's new clothes
The emperor's new clothes
The emperor's new clothes
The emperor's new clothes

2002-08-05T02:05:00.000-05:00

i got back from baltimore/miami/two days of driving last night. and last night and today were pretty interesting too.... ill write about them somewhat later.

oh yeah...DAMN THAT DAYTONA BEACH GAS STATION ATTENDANT!!

2002-07-31T14:20:00.000-05:00

this has been a real wierd week for me. i remember everything but can't seem to forget, no matter how hard i try. my whole life n of illusions. ive come to terms with it though. in a way i feel this unbrearable sadness that anything made can be made, but if i just go with the flow, and not question it, at least ill have fun along the way.

earlier this week i went to otakon in baltimore, which is of note itself, but right now i am in and leaving miami soon. it both heaven and hell at the same time. lots of juice type drinks. and i seem to want to tongue fuck *every* women walking by...i don't quite know why....and most men, even the homeless have muscle defination that puts mine to shame....but...ive only been here less than three days and ive had to *seriously* question my own sanity twice. i just induced crying a few minutes ago before walking into this cafe. some tears and some sniffles behind a black turtls and candy sunglasses. i dont know if i want to write about this anymore. i *know* this will be with me forever, so i dont know why i should write it down. and besides it would be so unfiltered and detail heavy it would take forever to read. then again, i shouldn't be afraid of myself. and what i write. im thinking of just writing it all down and just burning it. im about to leave now and i guess i want to look at the beach and drink a coke for awhile

this computer has that wierd "delete" so ill redit this post later.
EDIT: i decided not to edit this. when i was sitting there at the beach, incredibly overdressed in a turtleneck and whatnot, i had my picture taken for the august issue of some magazine. dont remember the same. he had a digital SLR.

ive come to terms with who i am, as a person, warts and all. im happy to say, im not alld. i think this will be better for my personal growth. you can't know where youre going without knowing where you've been, and right now i want to just reach out and shape it. i have a few things going for me. ...and now i see my reasoning for things are quite...funny.

2002-07-05T17:55:00.000-05:00

milk and honey is really good!

and this adam ant poster is huge!

2002-07-05T05:55:00.000-05:00

what i just got at the grocery store (which didn't play doo wop which it usually does):

One Gallon 1% Milk
Winnie the Pooh Honey
Jar of Cherries with Stems
6 pack of Italian Ices
Creamy Peanut Butter
Strawberry Preserves
Loave of Bread
Creamy Chocolate Milk
One Can of Frozen Pink Lemonade/Two Frozen Lemonade
4 pack of Frosti Root Beer
4 pack of Frosti Cream Soda
3 Nighthawk Tv Dinners
4 cans of Spaghetti and Meatballs.
1 issue of G.Q. Jude Law Cover

i must have low blood sugar or something all that sugar. walking around in nyc, i constantly had italian ices. even when my friend took me to a bar i midday, i had an italian ice before and after, and a large glass of red punch from a nearby pizzeria to drink.

right now i just had two italian ices and the chocolate milk (instead of my usual vanilla) and took my pill, i should be back up and running in an hour or so.

2002-07-05T03:42:00.000-05:00

/listening to malice mizer - la ciel

got back from the nyc thing a few days ago, and since then ive been hecticly busy/doing nothing at all. during that week a check ive been waiting for (for $3600!!) came and was cashed by the time i got back. i know its my brother but i know it will be like pulling teeth with him. i even told my mum about it( but told her just to smear him, like he would to me), and told her *not* to mention it yet, to give me time for my merchant bank to fax me a copy of the cashed check. i'll get this all figured out, one way or another. im taking my time....the thing is i haven't talked to my brother in about.. 8 months. ive long since gotten over the initial incident, but he's just keeping up the pretense.

i fell down on a marble column at the lincoln memorial. broke the skin and gave me a nasty painful lump on my shin, bleeding on my jeans. i said it was nothing and then proceeded to walk around manhattan for two days straight. i think i may have to have my leg amputated but im sure im overreacting.

i had fun in nyc, so much that i considered moving, the rent is so frickin' high though..i dont even like paying rent here...mass transit seems so...efficient..and i love the fact that theres a newsstand on every block. and that all clothes and shoes seems geared for rigorous outdoor walking. and the business people i deal with there are so much more desperate/reasonable than the ones im accustomed to dealing with here. and the fact that the crazy people aren't hidden away but in your face and entrepreneurial.

anyway, i was in a deep funk and i felt like posting, but got backtracked reading a totally fabulous livejournal (example:

" Another, more interesting chap came into the office today. He was a female 2 male trans. I sorta flirted cuz well, damn you f2m bois r sexay. :p Oh and now I'm home and I just threw up. I licked honey by the spoonful all day long and its sticky sweetness is trapped and oozing thickly down my stomache and I can feel every bit of the nausea. GAG. And speaking of gagging, I found myself watching Oprah today and sitting there licking honey and crying as the twin sisters expressed their love for one another. Funny thing, cuz Barbra Walters never makes me cry but puppy/grandparent shows and people being vulnerable do. I'm gonna go drink some seltzer and try regurgitating some more of this honey sap outta my body. "

and looking at life affirming cosplay, which i find therapeautic...really! it calms me down.
example:

ive been getting the fear lately. what do i want out of my life, a question that ive been constantly asking the last few years (!!). and if i only knew or commit to one thing, it would be so easy and i would just go out and do it. its funny because two weeks ago i had it all figured out and everything looked aces. i still haven't finished that post yet. i have it saved.......

now it looks that i will runs some errands and do some grocery shopping. it is almost 4 am. then i will take a stimulant and go to sleep, waiting for it to wake me back up, fully alert.

2002-06-18T22:53:00.000-05:00

/listening to bill cosby - chicken heart

sigh. audiogalaxy is gone forever. and i was in the mood for lolitapop dollhouse too :(

i just took out my digicam and took the same picture setup on all the different settings. i'm kind of disappointed with it's performance at A-kon when i see other people's pics, especially with what i paid....

i had a rather long journal entry that im actually in the middle of, that i want to get down for future reference that i've packed away to finish when i have more time i have to establish some systems up before i leave for nyc for a week on sunday. that gives me about three days to set up things that it would take my lazy ass three weeks, and that would be with the breaks.

...but with my sporadic updates..you wouldn't even notice...

2002-06-10T21:41:00.000-05:00

" im talking about penetration.....beyond the veil of the flesh!" -seth brundle.

2002-06-08T08:52:00.000-05:00

first update in a while and ive goort nothing to say....

been busy with work and planning a trip at the end of the month. had a dream a couple days that was a non sexual revenge fantasy involved lots of cutting and crying.

A-kon last weekend was certainly an eye opener. it was like they put up a circus tent up for three days and all the audience were the freaks. i had a friend who came only during the nights and we couldn't believe the strangeness that was in front of us. he kept mentioning how surreal it was and beaming ear to ear, while the all the visual stimulus was making me jump on furniture. i think we could have gotten turn on just by watching cars by that point. i kept singing Culture Club's Time, Michael Jackson's Dont Stop Till You Get Enough, Prince's Diamonds and Pearls, and this Smiths song that's name escapes me at the moment, out loud. i also repeated the 'How Dare You!" monologue from Magnolia, thrown in with some of the "How Dare You!" monologue from Gattaca, several times.

there was a talent show that was so horribly bad i want to make an outfit of Sandman the clown from Showtime at the Apollo and just sweep everyone offstage....im sorry if you were in it and actually good, but the show as a whole was like a warm balm for the eyes.

. i know at least two articles are going to be written about this weekend, and at least one person can describe it better that i ever could, but i certainly do plan to do this again sometime....

oh, here is at least one scene. we went to this dance and this rather large woman was onstage on a sofa sucking a lollipop. then two attractive grls came up to her, feeling up under her dress and trading the lollipop with her. ....then two rocky horror songs played and people actually danced and sang along to it. *and* then they played Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive.....i wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.

i swear i was in the background of this picture. oh well.

oh, and my back is starting to peel from a memorial weekend in Corpus Christi/ South Padre Island. corpus christi beach was interesting. it was full of stinging jellyfish and no one swam, so swimming in it, while the waves beat the shit out of you while dodging the jellyfish was like playing a shitty Atari Game. we also ate in in a Chinese restaurant in which we were the only asians there. the waitress called the lemon grass and other stuff vietnamese food comes with "fixin's". i think she used to work in Chili's or something. i also met this girl who said her favorite movies were Dude Where's My Car? and Rat Race. we sat there in silence, because basically what else is there to say?

oh, and skin tastes like rice paper.

and my favorite quote (from my7 year old niece):

"SANTA CLAUS IS YOUR PARENTS!"

2002-05-25T01:14:00.000-05:00

me earlier today. just wanted to get a couple pictures in prototype form before i start the heavy embroidery on the jacket for my adam ant thing. yes. that is masking tape...i need to get an idea where it would go. kind of shitty since i went to through all this trouble and the jacket is about fits about as well as a letterman jacket. oh well. then i started playing around with the fetish masks i got last week

2002-05-20T19:57:00.000-05:00

STARE AT THE ILLUSTRATION

Is it a delicate Ming vase from the 13th century? Or two adult gay men masturbating on each other? What do you see? What do your friends see? Look again!

2002-05-20T13:22:00.000-05:00

/listening to the flamingos - golden teardrops

nothing to say really except my adam ant costume is coming along swimmingly. better than i expected. i know i can't go for 100% detail. and im not going for accuracy anyway. adam ant is just a loose concept and im adding little things that i feel work better. same with my naruto thingie. im wearing my gook sandals with the metal buckle with no socks instead of socks and rubber black sandals. in my opinion, if you wear rubber black sandals *or* a baseball cap, then i deserve a free shot at you.

anything this is what im going for:

Adam Ant:

whatever the teacher from Naruto is named:

if this turns out to be a fun experience, i may think about doing Rufio, from Hook. best Azn ever!

oh yeah, i saw star wars. it was good.

2002-05-16T16:10:00.000-05:00

/listening to cardigans - hey! get out of my way.

hmm.. its seems my situation has gotten a few multiples more difficult. nothing im not too worried about, just more plate spinning and manuevering. i dont know if i can actually make all the things happen that need to hit their mark, all at once, but i have to at least keep up the pretense if i want to succeed.

this cosplay thing is like a billion times harder than i thought. i heavily underestimated doing adam ant. i keep looking at the the source and thinking 'how in the hell am i gonna get it that detailed?!'.i know i don't have to do it just so, and besides, people won't really be looking that closely, but still.

went out with jen yesterday, which was interesting, since we haven't really *talked* in a while. we went thrift and leather pants shopping. in *all* the leather stores ive ever been in, they always have pink gummi cockrings near the register, on a plate, like its candy! me and jen admired all the ominous hardware, prompting discussion on american psycho and owning a set of dentist's tools and david cronenberg's film, dead ringers.

we were looking at bandannas, and its vast selection of colors. jen was like, get a pink one! and i said 'maybe if it wasn't paisley', and the clerk gleefully said i'll tell you what that means.

means as in what?

for flagging.

what's flagging?

you wear the bandanna out of your pants pocket, the color denoting what you're into (i.e. chubby chasers, dildos, park sex?), and which pocket you wear it out of denotes if you like to give or recieve. it totally echoed identification of urban gangs. i was all 'omg, mary just called me a chubby chaser last night!' and the guy laughed, probably thinking "mary" was some gay dude i was fucking, and not some 16 year old girl i talk to about the cosby show.

oh, and i got two masks, one is a leather domino mask, and the other is a black spandex mask with only eye holes, very spider-mannish. i wore it on the ride home. then we went out to eat. i should have order the big meatball. it was this big ass meatball, big as my fist. big enough to fit in the Goatse.cx Man's ass.

i should take some pictures. perhaps another time.

oh, and i just got back from wal-mart and they played lots of doo wop

2002-05-15T00:02:00.000-05:00

/listening to adam ant - beat my guest.

i just cleaned my room to find a shirt and i am saddened to say I FOUND A FUCKING TRASHBAG OF TRASH. it was under an overturned papasan chair....how incredibly wretched of me. my dreams lately have been of normal things...my car dying on me....alex at technicolor.org updating her website...

and to the person who found my page by plugging in "fat+kid+on+cosby+show", lets e-lope. its a welcome suprise from people who find by looking up naked pictures of haley joel osment. (which i dont have).

2002-05-11T15:44:00.000-05:00

/listening to - a camp (nina from the cardigan's solo project) - angel of sadness

ive been dreaming alot lately, and i wish i know what was setting them off. i hardly ever get to recall my dreams.

last night i dreamt we (i sorta don't dream from a personal p.o.v, they unroll sorta like stories) set a politician (martin sheen from 'the dead zone') up as president then we broke his legs and put in this basement lined in green astroturf and left him there in foetal position....then afterwards we left a dead body there to keep him company.

2002-05-10T04:55:00.000-05:00

nothing to say really...work, gearing up for A-kon, have started collecting Adam Ant picture lp's , children's books, and dvd's (Barcelona, Toys, and Dead Ringers: Criterion Collection, yes please) out of the blue. ive been having lots of dreams recall also too. its so sad when youre thinking about a dream and you can feel yourself slowly forgetting it.

my favorite internet things lately have been these dolls:

Doll Gallery
Misc. Doll Links
Ryoichi Yoshida - Artist Surreal from Japan
'I am still on the way to perfection,' says octogenarian master puppeteer

this harley quinn cosplayer

and this poignant article ......on cock-rubbing!

oh, and never forget.....

2002-04-29T04:18:00.000-05:00

ive just taken a nice long bath and now im cooking up a batch of ....mushrooms. today i spent the better part of the day asleep, since the past couple days ive only had about an hour of it in a two day period.....i didn't feel tired at all. i thought i finally cracked leonardo da vinci's sleep secret (its been rumored he slept only 15 minutes ever 6 hours, but it turns out he only did that on hectic scedules, like dissecting corpses to learn anatomy), but then my body took its natural course. i had lots of inconsequential dreams. in the last one, i woke up naked and upside down in bed. strange that.

the two things of note recently is that im keenly in tune with quotes, and for some reason, memories of the past are just now hitting me. nothing overly nostalgic. for example, during my no sleep period i took a walk out at 4 am and it was totally quiet, full moon, no clouds, and it reminded me when i was in mexico a few months ago, arriving late at night to consider getting a hotel, and just sitting on a park bench and looking at a similar sky, except im convinced that desert winds make clouds travel faster. sometimes at night i can hear trains, and the whistles sound so sad. i think their sounds travel better at night because they don't have to compete with the noise of daytime cacophany. i remember reading somewhere that movie theaters up the sound of the movie playing a few decibels, to cancel out the the sound of people shoving popcorn in their gaping maws and that horrible sound that straws make in drinking cups. popcorn shouldn't exist, neither should baseball caps.....

anyway, while walking i kept thinking about the spoken beginning line from bjork's bachelorette video..."one day i big book buried deep in the ground, i opened it and all the pages were blank. then to my suprise, it started writing itself. one day i found a book buried deep in the ground...."

another memory happened not too long ago. my parents wanted to take to a vietnamese movie that was playing at the local cineplex. turns out they were talking about 'we were soldiers'. i took them, but they insisted on going early to sit in on parts of other movies. they don't speak much english, so i took them to go watch blade II and resident evil. i remember my brother took them to go see terminator 2 back in the day, so i assumed they were desensitized to violence as much as any other person in society. bad move...turns out i had to explain to concept of a 'vampire' to them. after watching the most ridiculous final battle scene in blade 2, complete with matrix effects and wrestling moves, i heard my dad say to my mom "don't worry, this is all done with computers. i don't think anyone was actually hurt'.....i also remember my dad incredulous things like about how back in vietnam how ants would climb the the ceiling of your hut or whatever and they would drop down and go for the eyes. funny stuff.

i was also watching a compilation of adam ant music videos at dinner once and they started watching and dancing to it. i guess adam ant has always this broadway mentality, which i secretly dig, and they picked up on that. i mean my parents basically watch vietnamese bollywood, complete with abba covers.

also something im remembering recently i don't want to discuss here. i dont ever think ive even discussed with another person....just that you find understanding and acceptance sometimes in the unlikeliest places.

i watched serendipity with taylor not too along ago, which is like a two hour cockblock. i secretly hope that john cusack goes out at night and beats up children. it would make him more interesting. ive never understood the 'romantic comedy'. to me, david wanting to to bang his mom in A.I, or prison guard johnny depp resting his cock on prisoner javier bardem's face in before night falls is infinitely more romantic. my favorite romanticom? twice upon a yesterday. a guy goes back in time to correct the the big romantic mistake in his life just to find that it happens all over again. definitely not a hollywood ending.

you know once i was in an restaurant with my brother and found that my brother, the waitress, and i were all singing, but not the same song. that made me really happy.sometimes i wish i wanted what everybody else wanted.

i want....a parrot.

2002-04-20T03:59:00.000-05:00

after playing it almost compulsively, i beat final fantasy x. very good ending, i dind't exactly cry, but i *did* go into short spasms.

final fantasy vii was so bad turned me off games for awhile.....

tidus looks like the hot dog eating champion of the world

nothing else new really, i saw david sedaris and he was brilliant. took taylor along and suprised her with a bottle of vanilla milk.

milk is love, people....so are morbidly obese cats.

i'd totally have one if i didn't already harbor a guilt for controlling another living beings existence. I am particularly interested and fascinated by obese cats.

My friend Chris has a cat which is so obese that when the cat sits on the top of the couch, its fat hangs over both sides.

Excellent.

2002-04-14T12:57:00.000-05:00

okay. i just watched the bjork concert dvd and it was amazing. i totally marked out when they played "Visur Vatnsenda Rosu Songs From The Cold Seas' for the intro. bjork has this great interview quote where she says that your nervous system must be along like strings because when you hear violins it feels like your body is vibrating. i think thats my hair stand on end. and theres a great part at the end of 'Hunter' where she sings 'im going hunting/ you just didn't knoooow me' over and over again

.....the only thing now is im *really* thinking about going to the Coachella in California, two weeks from now. i mean, when am i ever gonna get to see bjork and siouxsie sioux alone, much less together :(. Homogenic was all about self-induced states of emergency, and Vespertine is all about..hmm....internal delights...

i also found out one of my favorite writers , David Sedaris, is doing a speaking tour and coming to Houston this wednesday..hmmm. so many good things lately, after a long drought of absolutely nothing.

i really should be saving my money though...i even have some cosplay stuff i haven't gotten yet....not to mention a car.......

2002-04-13T17:07:00.000-05:00

/listening to heather - gloomy sunday

nothing new really, besides work, although my general outlook is more upbeat. i really think i may be bipolar. when i get "overly" happy or sad, its also like my life grinds to a halt while i go indulge that particular feeling. im too scatterbrained to be autistic, and too dumb to have aspberger's syndrome. :( pills don't work. and i'd probably see a psychiatrist, but the one time ive ever encountered one was in middle school and i felt my actions were being observed like a insect under a glass. besides, one of the great things about being manic depressive is you dont have to *do* anything exciting, yet your life feels like a wild torch song rollercoaster. it makes you feel like youre more alive than other people.

i just got back from borders and i picked up the fight like a girl issue of Bust, an issue of mental_floss, and the new giant robot. girls find out you read Bust and they think youre asexual or something. a similar thing happened at the le tigre concert. im only amused....i used to love to read Details magazine when i was in high school and try to figure out if it was for gay or straight men. Kylie is on the cover of Flaunt, which is good, but she has a wall of hair, which is bad. then again, it had an 'I LOVE KYLIE POSTER', which is better.

recently i got Ghost World, Artificial Intelligence, Zoolander, and Bjork: Live at Cambridge on DVD. i haven't watched the bjork yet, but it was during her 'Angel' era, so it can be bad

ive just gotten and final fantasy x and have been playing it obsessively.....i can literally play blitzball forever.....

anyway the game is totally great..and gorgeous to look at. best game since 2 or 3. ive totally fallen in pixel love with the bitch goddess black mage Lulu......if she was real and i would break into her house and sniff her bed....that Veronic Lake hairflip...*sigh*

2002-04-09T10:27:00.000-05:00

/listening to shiina ringo - stoicism/ andreas dorau - junger mann/ kylie minogue - hand on your heart

hmm... it seems Way Out West is coming to town, same place i saw David Morales a couple months ago. the only thing i had a horrible time, and i like Way Out West even less than i like David Morales. i guess i expected both to be more pop than they actually are. i just found out Berlin is playing here soon too. which i thought about catching, but decided not to, although i remember a year ago a flock of seagull/berlin double bill played here last year and i kicked myself for missing it. i guess youre wondering why im writing about shows im *not* seeing, but im the type who just lacks the attention span to see a live show, for some reason when i see someone i respect i expect magic to happen, and its always a letdown when it doesn't. for both parties, it is better it doesn't happen at all.

i played my playstation 2, which i got as somewhat as a psuedo christmas payoff, for the first time yesterday. played silent hill 2. the original silent hill is one of my favorite games. but games have an added layer of wierdness, after you watch eXistenZ, ya know?

i've kind of burnt out on the internet for the moment. it sounds crazy to say this, but it just seems like theres nothing new; perhaps im not looking hard enough. for someone like me, i think i have have to something new to get excited about. life has no great meaning to me, and i wasn't beaten or anything as a child so there isn't a huge theme to me, so its just about whatever new thing i can amuse myself with.... it isn't pretty, but its better than what else is out there....to be honest.

2002-04-08T09:18:00.000-05:00

/listening to joni mitchell - a case of you.

i was *just* eating an orange while watching amelie. i just woke up because it is raining incredibly fierce right now.

this journal is about a year old now. whoo

lately ive been kind of a funk. in a way, i feel like my life is slowly slipping away. in a way, this sort of stasis is *exactly* how i want my life to be. in the space of a couple weeks, i developed a severe agoraphobic state, yet im reading about the steps on how i would go about becoming a crab fisherman in alaska, or an english teacher in japan, or a night watchmen for an allzheimer patients ward or just people with terminal illnesses,or just like a garbageman and i can go insane and live at the garbage with burning tires everywhere and i can just spend my life poring over the stuff people threw away . i get incredibly restless sometimes, and im only 21. i get this feeling this isn't a temporary state of flux at all, not some join the peace corps, then come home and get married and have kids thing; i feel like this will always stay with me, that i'm destined to form this rootless existence of fast friends in different cities and i'll have a beard. i don't even feel human.....i dont know how anybody does it

....this isn't how i wanted this entry to turn out. but theres no other way to describe it. just this vague sense of dread that i can't seem to shake. two years ago, i felt a great surge of optimism and growth, but i sort of stalled since then. i haven't even read a book in a while... or a magazine for that matter :P

lately i've developed a strange addiction to milk, and talking long walks. taking long walks helps me think. and well milk, makes me feel slightly drunk and help induce dreaming.

i've been thinking of taking up a job lately, something simple and repititive, in addition to the side business i already have going. i think doestoevsky (sic?) said something like, "everyone would be happier if they tended their own land?" hopefully that'll work with me..i've been keeping busy, but i feel incredibly unbalanced and empty. it isn't quite right.

...and i haven't even started my adam ant costume yet. my deadline is the beginning of june. i have another costume in mind, but i can easily, buy the major parts for that one.

after countless revisions i finally pounded out the tracklist for a mixcd i was supposed to get out ages ago. i still don't think its quite right, but what ever in life is, ey? i tried to make it flow, yet indicative of what i've been listening to *and* be easy for the listener to sample the bands. i named it after the song that i feel encapsulates my my personal philosophy, yet didn't make it on the cd, Echobelly's Great Things. you know, i always felt that if i was in a band i'd either be the quiet piano player or the front man. i'd be a mix of soft cell's marc almond and echobelly's sonya aurora madan. anyway....

Great Things

1. Ladytron - Disco Traxxx
2. Barcelona - Studio Hair Gel (Baxendale Remix)
3. Kenickie - Can I Take U 2 the Cinema
4. Mint Royale featuring Lauren Laverne - Don't Falter
5. Adam Ant - Playboy
6. Army of Lovers - My Army of Lovers
7. Pet Shop Boys - Loves Comes Quickly
8. Allison Moyet (formerly of Yazoo) - Only You (live)
9. Emiliana Torrini - Unemployed in Summertime
10. Bent - A Ribbon for my Hair
11. Goldfrapp - Pilots
12. Emiliana Torrini - Tuna Fish
13. Emiliana Torrini - If You Go Away (Jacques Brel Cover)
14. Bjork - Gloomy Sunday (Billie Holliday Cover,live)
15. Bjork - Who Do You Think You Are? (Elvis Costello,live)
16. Dionne Warwick - Are You There with Another Girl?
17. Dubstar - The Day I See You Again
18. Black Box Recorder - French Rock 'n' Roll
19. Echobelly - Worms and Angels

2002-04-08T06:42:00.000-05:00

Robots Take Aim at Human Heartstrings

By Masayuki Kitano and Edmund Klamann

YOKOHAMA, Japan - Among the male-dominated ranks of humanoid robots, ``Posy'' is a stand-out.

Unable to talk, climb stairs or pick up objects, she was no match for the singing, dancing robots around her at the second Robodex exhibition in this city just south of Tokyo.

But Posy had one thing in common with them: her creator's wish for a non-threatening, human-friendly image.

``Rather than amazing technology, we wanted to give her a cute appearance, an ability to put people at ease,'' said Tatsuya Matsui, Posy's designer.

Huge technological hurdles and possibly decades of research lie ahead before humanoid robots become common household items, but scientists realize they face a psychological obstacle as well: machines made in man's own image make some people uneasy.

``The theme of Robodex is robots that co-exist with humans,'' said Toshi Doi, who heads the Sony Digital Creatures Laboratory that made the Aibo robotic pet and the SDR-4X humanoid robot.

Japanese businesses, universities and robotics researchers, many eager to build up a lucrative new business for Japan in humanoid robots, are displaying their latest creations at Robodex, which runs until Sunday.

Two of the most sophisticated entries came from Honda Motor Co (7267.T) and Sony Corp (6758.T), which helped stir interest in humanoid robots at the first Robodex in November 2000.

Honda is showing off its Asimo, which it hopes will someday be agile enough to do household tasks, while Sony's diminutive SDR-4X, a singing and dancing machine, was built solely for entertainment. Both speak with high-pitched, childlike voices.

ROBOT-FRIENDLY JAPAN

Doi and other robotics researchers believe the Japanese will be among the first to accept robots into everyday life.

Japan, which gave the world ``Astro Boy'' -- the 1960s animated TV program with a boy-robot hero -- is already home to half the world's industrial robots and 90 percent of Aibo robotic pets.

``I don't think we feel much aversion toward robots because we've been exposed to Astro Boy and the like since we were little,'' said Kazuo Hirai, managing director at Honda R&D Co.

Doi also noted Japanese consumers' love of high-tech gadgets.

But Posy, modeled after a flower girl at a church wedding and a veteran of dance exhibitions and fashion shows, was touted solely for her looks, with a rounded, chipmunk face and tiny nose.

``We didn't set out on this development by asking how it could be useful,'' said an unapologetic Matsui.

He dismissed Posy's paucity of motion as a sign of her ``nervousness'' and said her capabilities could be expanded later.

But actions, not appearances, are what will count in fostering amicable human-robot relations, according to Advanced Telecommunications Research Institute International.

ACTIONS VS APPEARANCES

Eye contact and natural gestures such as pointing were the key features of its wheeled Robovie III, which uses photographic sensors to locate the human it's talking to.

``By making eye contact, it attracts a human's attention,'' said researcher Kenji Mase. ``Without eye contact, it can be hard to make people listen to what a robot has to say.''

Other Robodex exhibitors showed devices that closely mimic movements of a human face or hand.

But for now, it seems the robots most endearing to humans, even in Japan, don't take a human form.

Paro, a furry, seal-like creation that made the Guinness Book of World Records as the ``world's most therapeutic robot,'' is used at nursing homes and children's hospitals to give patients the soothing sensations of holding a pet without the hygiene worries.

``We picked an animal that, unlike dogs and cats, is not too close to everyday human experience,'' said Takanori Shibata, senior scientist at the government-affiliated National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology.

click here to see sony singing robots. they make me so happy
1
2

and all is full of love bjork thrown in for good measure.

i just got the Artificial Intelligence Widescreen DVD. is it obvious ;)

2002-03-27T03:11:00.000-06:00

my dsl is down(for keeps i think) and im on dialup right now. which sucks.

im starting the realize what a big impact the internet has on my work, entertainment, and leisure.

im looking over at email from a year ago and seeing not much has changed in my life, i dont know if that was intentional or not...

im still getting rehooked up as soon as possible...

2002-03-25T20:24:00.000-06:00

equidistance: http://imagehost.auctionwatch.com/bin/imageserver.x/00000000/comicod/adamant.jpg
equidistance: so gay
Grimmissis: so yours
equidistance: i waaaant the original pose
Grimmissis: hands crossed over chest?
equidistance: yes
equidistance: it MUST exist
equidistance: its in the goody two video
Grimmissis: yeah
equidistance: i love zoolander
Grimmissis: me tooooooo
equidistance: on the dvd there an alternate brainwashing sequence
Grimmissis: wow
Grimmissis: i'm sending szj smiths songs.. i never thought this day would come!
equidistance: listening to 'relax' he goes.....he he he 'when you wanna come'....hes talking about ejaculation
Grimmissis: haha!
Grimmissis: the cosby show is horrid... yet i cannot turn away
equidistance: what ep
equidistance: is peter the fat kid in it?
Grimmissis: dunno yet
Grimmissis: oh god.. HE RULES
Grimmissis: rudy broke the juicer the other day
Grimmissis: and fat peter got all grapey
Grimmissis: he was wearing the same sweatsuit
Grimmissis: as that pic you found
equidistance: Izillah: our convo ceased
Izillah: am i not cool enough hm?
Grimmissis: oh! btw!!!
Grimmissis: hahaha
equidistance: GODAMMIT IT
Grimmissis: now you have her pink text
Grimmissis: oh
Grimmissis: what was i saying?
Grimmissis: oh!!
Grimmissis: julie, spacemadness..
Grimmissis: has a gay uncle who lives in NY
Grimmissis: and he used to do wardrobe for the cosby show
equidistance: peter is my god
Grimmissis: so julie has some of the clothes rudy wore!
equidistance: hes a sexual tyrannosaur
equidistance: WHOA!
Grimmissis: JULIE HAS RUDY'S CLOTHES
equidistance: what about pter
Grimmissis: i told her to sell em on ebay
equidistance: PETER
Grimmissis: that's what i wonder now..
Grimmissis: theo is the least funny black person on tv ever
equidistance: yeah . he sucks
equidistance: more peter
Grimmissis: yes
equidistance: i will BUY peters clothes!
equidistance: then wear them
Grimmissis: theyll probably fit
equidistance: god. i hope so
Grimmissis: that kid is TUBBY
equidistance: ill go to drag queen clubs in them
Grimmissis: hahahahaha
equidistance: ill look like an retired jew from florida
Grimmissis: yes!

2002-03-24T22:45:00.000-06:00

/listening to jem - there's a melody playing

Morjen: stingers
Morjen: are those jem charcters?
equidistance: JEM
equidistance: stingers...yeah...but they suck. aside from their roots in soul and Adam Antish front man. they're like wham!
equidistance: i wish i could write songs like jem
equidistance: dear lord. jem songs are better than anything on mtv!
MFS ANGEL4: hm
MFS ANGEL4 somepone said the chick who did the jem songs is in Luna or something now.
equidistance: hmmmmmmmmmmm
equidistance: she has a really good voice
equidistance: holy shit
equidistance: youre right
equidistance: WOW
equidistance: name me three songs
equidistance: shes hot, yo
equidistance: SPEAK!
MFS ANGEL4: hey!
MFS ANGEL4: i dont know any luna songs where she sings the only album i have is before her
MFS ANGEL4: unless shes signing the old ones too now
equidistance: youve failed me
MFS ANGEL4: they do a beauuuutiful cover of Sweet Child O' Mine
equidistance: wow
equidistance: a cover of serge gainsbourg's bonnie and clyde!
MFS ANGEL4: yeah~
MFS ANGEL4: i forgot about that
MFS ANGEL4: Luna is good
equidistance: they're no jem though
(hours later)

equidistance: !
MFS ANGEL4: ?
equidistance: jem is just godly
MFS ANGEL4: haha
equidistance: jem is pop rock. you know, like blumchen or anything produced by SAW....and like the misfits are punk/romo...in a blondie/berlin vein
equidistance: the stingers are soul/doowop based
MFS ANGEL4: the misfits is jem's band?
equidistance: the misfits are the rival band
MFS ANGEL4: the white haired ones?
equidistance: those are the stingers
MFS ANGEL4: another rival band?
equidistance: they exist only because the adam antish lead singer is a romantic interest for jem
equidistance: you for, for a love triangle with..rio..
MFS ANGEL4: do you like belle and sebastian?
equidistance: they're alright....
MFS ANGEL4: i want a scottish accent
equidistance: they're coming to austin..aren't they?
equidistance: i want a icelandic or british accent
MFS ANGEL4: b&s is??
equidistance: yeah. they are
equidistance: why else would you ask?
MFS ANGEL4: well ive been DLing this band called camera obscura
MFS ANGEL4: and they sound sorta like b&s
MFS ANGEL4: with the cute scottish accents and all.
equidistance: im listening to julie london and chet baker
MFS ANGEL4: whats that?
equidistance: jazz....torch songs..
MFS ANGEL4: i wanna get married when i turn 18 and run away somewhere
equidistance: that sounds like hell, child
MFS ANGEL4: and when it sours after 6 months i'll just be alouf but i can say i was married once.
MFS ANGEL4: i want some lisa loeb glasses
equidistance: i love you
equidistance: both those comments
equidistance: and its 'aloof'
equidistance: margot tannenbaum is obviously ingrained in your head
MFS ANGEL4: whoa i forgot about that
MFS ANGEL4: hm...but i dont like reggae
MFS ANGEL4: it would probably be some dumb indie rocker in my case
equidistance: i wanna form a band
equidistance: and do jem covers
MFS ANGEL4: like be init or just form one?
equidistance: be in it
equidistance: wed all play roles like kiss
MFS ANGEL4: it would be cool to form a band and have them do Jem covers and watch them become really popular and no one having any idea that its Jem covers
equidistance: the token girl member would be called the diving doll
equidistance: living
equidistance: doh
equidistance: and the singer would be called adam destine, the impossible prince
equidistance: or something like that
MFS ANGEL4: Hugo Everything.
equidistance: hee hee
equidistance: alex everything!...the opposite number
equidistance: oh, did you know?
equidistance: i have a stalker....
equidistance: but i ended up stalking him more than he did me
equidistance: http://www.iprimus.ca/%7Ecandle/jem/jem_karaoke.html
MFS ANGEL4: whois your stalker?
equidistance: the time has passed for discussion of that. fuck you
MFS ANGEL4 =0
MFS ANGEL4: i was messing with my hair in the bathroom
equidistance: eat it
MFS ANGEL4: why you treat me like animal!
equidistance: ...
equidistance: why are you talking like you dont know english?
equidistance: MFS ANGEL4: why you treat me like animal!
equidistance: i need to frame that. somewhere
equidistance: and possibly have it bronzed
MFS ANGEL4: hee hee hee
equidistance: its like your my retard daughter. and one day you muster up the courage, try to be lucid and poignant and say....
equidistance: WHY YOU TREAT ME LIKE ANIMAL?!?!
MFS ANGEL4: or a mail order bride
equidistance: YES!
equidistance: we're on the same wavelength
equidistance: youre picking up what im laying down
equidistance: brb
equidistance: mm
MFS ANGEL4: ?
equidistance: why you treat me like animal?
MFS ANGEL4: again with more feeling
equidistance: ha ha ha
equidistance: needs more cowbell

2002-03-24T20:24:00.000-06:00

GINGER ROGERS!

DANCE ON AIR!

2002-03-21T15:09:00.000-06:00

/listening to ottawan - hands up and army of lovers - hands up, back to back.

rock death!

since about march 11, my car has gotten progressively worse and worse. i got it checked out and they say my transmission is just about shot plus some other problems; and my car being so old that its better not to fix at all. i think its been mostly my fault, but i can't change that now. i already set out along time ago to drive this car until it was no longer drivable. so now its just a matter of when, then to pull out my car stereo and call a junker. and i must admit, its been pretty fun driving it. its a bitch goddess, and there isn't any rhyme or reason to when it works fine on the freeway or when it stalls just going up a fricking driveway, and you try to come up with a logical thread to what works for it and doesn't. its like playing russian roulette and i find it oddly exciting. who knew?

oh, kylie minogue is on the cover of stuff. stock photos and a bad interview...but its so peculiar seeing her on an american mag.

2002-03-19T00:51:00.000-06:00

In the words of Tupac, "I wake up in the morning and I ask myself, 'Is life worth livin'? Should I blast myself?'"

That right there is a daily dilemma for some people.

2002-03-17T06:00:00.000-06:00

/listening to dusty springfield - i close my eyes and count to ten

LOOK! ITS BJORK!

im feeling a bit better i guess. ive been sort of stressing out about the future; trying to envision an outcome....and you know how that can be....but now im starting to think perhaps this is what lifes about. guh. i sound like such a sap

i was reading a mini bio on the pet shop boys. read this. its fab:

At 13 he'd like Diana Ross and The Beatles, then, as he puts it, "something went wrong". All his friends started liking people like Alice Cooper and the only thing he thought was "sort of" good was Gary Glitter. In the end Chris decided that this pop stuff simply wasn't worth bothering with. "I ended up listening to my grandma and grandpa's music," he recalls, "like Dorothy Squires and Frank Sinatra and Tom Jones." Then Saturday Night Fever came out and suddenly the world was full of deliriously simple tacky disco songs by the likes of the Bee Gees. Chris loved it.

Best of all he worked as a glass collector in a disco called The Dixieland. "There'd be the most terrific brawls in there," he remembers, " just like a western." The best moment would be when they'd play a brilliant disco record, particularly the Gap Band's "Oops Upside Your Head". Everyone - even the bar staff and the glass collectors - would form one long line and dance along in formation. "It was suddenly like finding yourself in the middle of a huge musical. It was absolutely, positively, one of the best and most wonderful experiences of my life."

2002-03-16T16:26:00.000-06:00

theres a part in Barcelona where after he wakes up from his coma, one of the lead characters is a real dick to other one, for no reason other than he's confused. thats how i kind of feel right now. whatever.

Hiroo Onoda

LOCATION ASSIGNED DISCOVERED

Lubang Island
Philippines December 30, 1944 March 5, 1974
Circumstances
Intelligence Officer 2nd Lt. Hiroo Onada who emerged from the jungle of Lubang Island with his .25 caliber rifle, 500 rounds of ammunition and several hand grenades. 29 years after Japan's formal surrender, and 15 years after being declared legally dead in Japan. When he learned that the war was over he wept openly.

Afterwards

After returning to Japan, he was unable to adapt to modern life and retired to a ranch in Brazil. He revisited Lubang island in 1996, and still alive today.

2002-03-16T16:10:00.000-06:00

Harry: Linda Ham! Linda Ham! Linda Ham! Does your name ever make you hungry?

Linda Ham: No. No.

Harry: Well, it makes me hungry! One time, I named a sandwich "Linda". It was a beautiful sandwich! And guess what kind of sandwich it was.

Linda Ham: I don't know. Ham?

Harry: I guess. I don't know. Hey, Linda! When are we finally going to get over to Mars?

Linda Ham: Well, there is a manned expedition being discussed..

Harry: No! I mean you and me! We could make an evening of it. We'll head over to Mars, and I'll bring my sandwich "Linda". And we can make sloppy Martian love in the back of my dunebuggy. So, what do you say? Is it a date? It's a simple question: Do you want to go to Mars with a dead guy and a sandwich? Yes or no?

Linda Ham: Uh.. no..

Harry: Yeah, you're right.. it probably wouldn't work out. But it doesn't hurt to be a dreamer! If we didn't dream, we wouldn't have the space shuttle.

Linda Ham: That's right, Harry. That's a very good point.

Harry: Also, if we didn't dream, our brains would devour themselves, in madness and paranoia. The Viet Cong knew that. That's why they used sleep deprivation as a form of torture! [ long drawn-out pause ]

2002-03-12T20:49:00.000-06:00

happiness is fleeting. complacency is forever.

the only viable option is to fill your life with things you dont need to fill the void

2002-03-11T18:18:00.000-06:00

lets see. mary and me saw amelie (my second time)..i still think its a scary movie. then we went to three bubble tea places and a very promising karoake place with an incredible selection. we didn't have time to sing, and more importantly, drink in order to sing. oh and i have some more photobooth shots i guess i should scan. ive been on vince clark kick lately. i didn't even know the singer of Yaz was a girl.

my car is a rolling deathtrap. ive already accepted i am destined to die in a carcrash, ive stopped wearing my seatbelt and tell people what i 'really' think..

2002-03-08T18:43:00.000-06:00

i laughed until my stomach hurt at this

and this is the coolest thing ive seen on the web in a while

as for tonite...i dont know whether i wanna go dancing or rereading 'the invisibles' and rent shitty arnold schwartznegger flicks. both would be want i need right now

"I WANT YOO TOO CHEEL OUT. DEECKWAHD. "

2002-03-08T18:39:00.000-06:00

2002-03-03T19:55:00.000-06:00

2002-03-03T11:08:00.000-06:00

nothing utterly new to say these past few weeks. i mean, different things, but same old concept....i think ive said it all before, and don't think i can say it any better now, so i'll spare you.

i went to a le tigre show last friday. while i was waited and waited, i read pamplets like Self Determination for Children and Anarchism: What It Really Stands For, and tried to make sense of them. the first act was a flannel, david byrne looking lesbian duo singing about dykewagons, with these strange Jerri Blank/ Ab Fab-esque go go dancers with armpit hair. the second act, Panty Raid, had a rhythm section made of slavic teenagers, and a frontman with pink jeans with a bedazzled t-shirt that said 'GAY AS FUK'. it was a great show. he kept talking about how all gay guys loved destiny's child and then he took of his pants and went into the crowd. it was like watching iggy pop with adhd. the girl couple, who could obviously tell how much i enjoyed the band, asked me if i came for them, i said no, ive never heard of them before, in fact, i couldn't even make out a word of what they sang in their one and a half minute songs. i guess they won me over with their childish charisma; they just seemed so hungry.
le tigre, who came out in matching outfits, were decent. i already knew i usually don't dig live shows from guitar bands, especially diy types, which is just another way of saying, im not gonna bother trying. multimedia show, so there was lots of namechecking influences, which i enjoyed. one thing about kathleen hanna is, she actually makes me feels ashamed for fancying her because of her looks, intelligence and valley girl accent. taking pictures with a digicam during the show was like taking pictures with a frickin' Lomo. so i kept snapped a bunch and hoped for the best.

1
2
3
4
5
6 (ally in the breakfast club)

2002-02-13T19:54:00.000-06:00

/listening to emiliana torrini - if you go away (jacques brel cover)

a valentine's day story for you. its true. eat up!

Count Karl Tangler Von Cosel: My Endless Love

The year was 1899: At his castle in Weimar, Germany, Count Carl Von Cosel, a Russian ex-patriot and former submarine skipper, awoke suddenly in the middle of the night. It was the strangest dream he ever had - and one he could not ignore. A long dead ancestor. Countess Anna, had visited him and showed him the face of a woman - a woman, she whispered, who was destined to become his bride. Carl tried to shake off the dream - he even got married and had two children - but the woman's face would haunt him for many years in his sleep.

Finally, in 1926, Carl packed up his family and moved them to Zephyrhillis, Florida. For some inexplicable reason, he was positive his dream lover lived in the Sunshine State. Once the family was settled, Carl promptly abandoned his wife and children. He took off for Key West, where, without any formal training, he landed a job as an X-ray technician at Marine Hospita. Then he waited. For her.

Day in and day out, von Cosel toiled away, radiating the sick and suffering, hoping he's soon be looking through the woman he was meant to love. Finally in 1930, Within a year of arriving in the states, his miracle breezed through the door: Elena Milagro Hoyos Mesa, a beautiful 20 year old Cuban with a terrible cough. Her uncanny resemblance to the woman in his dream caused von Cosel to fall instantly, despearately in love. Suddenly, nothing else mattered, he devoted his entire practice to treating Elena's tuberculosis, giving her daily X rays and begging her to be his bride. But, alas, the lovely Elena, perhaps put off by the fact that he was older than her grandfather, politely declined - then, slightly less politely declined, died.

Devastated after Elena’s untimely her death, Von Cosel attempted to revive her with electricity. He begged the family not to bury her. Fearing contamination of her body from groundwater. Nonetheless, his attempts were futile and her corpse was placed in a mausoleum, and kept an obsessive vigil at her grave site. But that wasn't enough for the lovelorn German. Not by a long shot.

Elena’s surviving family members did not take lightly of this obsession and approached him on numerous occasions about it. Fearing Elena would quickly deteriorate in the ground, von Cosel got her family's permission to exhume the body and place it in a mausoleum. She was laid in a double coffin, which was outfitted with a formaldehyde-filled incubator tank to preserve her beauty for all eternity. There in secret he would sit and have "conversations" with her. Von Cosel then thoughtfully had a telephone placed inside the tomb, so they could "talk" on days when rain made visits impossible. During one chat session, Elena told Carl that they should reunited. So he devised a plan: He'd use what he called a "wingless airplane" to fly her to the heavens, where the UV rays would heal her body. It was a good idea, one sure to work. But first he'd have to fix her face.

Finally, with no explanation, Von Cosel packed up his belongings and left town for good. Unbeknownst to anyone, he had taken her corpse with him. Carl broke into the cemetery and removed the inner casket from Elena's mausoleum. He put it in his wingless airplane, which was basically a tube on wheels, and dragged her back to Marine Hospital. Alone at last, Carl removed the lid from the coffin and gazed upon the angelic - yeow! Carl quickly learned that the formaldehyde-incubator tank didn't work so well. Instead of his placid little cherub, von Cosel found a pile of bones, some remnants of flesh and a puddle of green fluid. But he was undeterred. Sure, Elena wasn't quite as beautiful as he remembered, and she had lost a lot weight, but counted was what was on the inside - which was easy on the inside. Carl climbed into the casket and held tight to what remained of her.

Seven years passed. Rarely was von Cosel seen by his neighbors, and when darkness descended, they'd hear him playing a church organ long into the night. As neighbors often do, they started talking.

Their jealous whispers eventually reached the ears of Elena's sister, who knocked on von Cosel's door and demanded to know what was going on inside his home. Carl decided he would live in secrecy and shame no more. He bravely led her inside, where, lying on his bed, was the lovely Elena - dressed in a wedding gown. Her sister was upset, but not as upset as you might think. She gave him a week to return Elena to her mausoleum or she'd squeal. Von Cosel refused to part with his darling, and six days later police cruelly seperated the two. The authorities quickly tracked Von Cosel down and raided his home. Upon entering, they were shocked to discover Von Cosel in bed with his Elena’s corpse. While preparing to move the corpse, investigators made a gruesome discovery. To keep her in good shape, von Cosel brought in a regular supply of preservatives and perfumes, but Maria Elena's corpse eventually began to deteriorate. Von Cosel had reconstructed many parts of Elena’s body using coat hangers, fishing line, and piano wire to string her bones together, von Cosel replaced her rotted eyes with glass eyes and her decomposed skin with a mixture of wax and silk. As her hair fell out, he used it to make a wig to put on her head. Stuffing her corpse with rags to keep her from collapsing and dressing her in a bridal gown, he kept her by his side in bed. But most horrifying of all, they discovered that he had constructed an artificial vagina from a rubber tube, in order to have sexual intercourse with her corpse. He also played a small organ to her as she slept.

The town of Key West put Elena's body on display at the Lopez funeral home, and thousands of tourists came by to check her out. Carl was put on trial, and the nosy public soon learned every lurid detail of his seven-year postmortem marriage. He was never prosecuted: The statute of limitations on grave robbing had expired. In his defense, Von Cosel said that he had been building an airship in which he would fly his wife, "high into the stratosphere, so that radiation from outer space could penetrate Elena's tissues and restore life to her somnolent form." Nonetheless, he was institutionalized for a brief period of time.

The day von Cosel left Key West, Elena's tomb exploded. Some said it was her spirit finally going up to heaven; others think Carl planted dynamite. Elena's remains were buried in a secret unmarked location, in a metal cube. and von Cosel moved black to Zephyrllis - near his old family where he worked on the memoirs of his undying passion, where he sold postcards of his beloved. Even when she was taken from him, he couldn't forget her.

In 1952, Carl's neighbors noticed that they hadn't seen him in a while and started smelling something fishy. Upon entering his home, polic discovered von Cosel dead on the floor, lying next to a large doll in his arms that was wearing Elena's death mask. Carl and his beloved had spent more than 20 years together and never had an argument.

Many people sympathized with Von Cosel after hearing his ‘love story’, and a Latin love song was eventually composed based on the subject.

Necro-Philosophy – Love never dies….

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

2002-02-13T09:57:00.000-06:00

ive just dled lots of female fronted slow tempo trip hop stuff, as thats what i like.

emiliana torrini, where has she been all my life? unemployed in summertime is purrrfect. i should listen to my bjorken loving brethren more often.

UNEMPLOYED IN SUMMERTIME

let's get drunk on saturday
walk up primrose hill until we lose our way

we'll get sunburnt on the grass
playing silly buggers 'til i make a pass
and you laugh in my face

unemployed in summertime
we've only just turned 21
we'll be ok

unemployed in summertime
don't need money cause we're young

i'll just stay awake 'til the morning
with makeup all over my face

sorry, don't get mad at me
i just did the sex quiz from your magazine

you're my best friend in the world
just like me you don't do anything you're told

on a mission for my summerkiss
i close my eyes and wet my lips but then i miss!
and you laugh in my face

unemployed in summertime
we've only just turned 21
we'll be ok

unemployed in summertime
don't need money cause we're young

i'll just stay awake 'til the morning
with makeup all over my face

theres lots to do today. but first...breakfast in chinatown.that will be the only thing that will satisfy me. lucky, since most of the time its not that simple.

2002-02-12T12:00:00.000-06:00

/listening to hungry lucy - jealousy

im wearing a pink tuxedo shirt with light ruffles. it was on the floor and i am cold right now. ive been using my laptop, Alfie, more and more recently. i guess im just so used to using my regular computer, which i need to clean out and give to my parents...i tried to work out earlier this morning, when i usually work out at night, and just couldn't push anything out at all. this isn't the first time its happened. i guess that says alot of my metabolism.

now that i think about it, ive been really really tired lately. i dont know if im sick (some of my immediate family, and the baby i babysat recently have been sick), have mono, am suffering from pills withdrawl, need vitamins, or im just really really incredibly lazy. i even feel like laying down right now. so many things need to be done...

i did see amelie yesterday. great, as expected. jean pierre jeunet has always put out great stuff. audrey tatou is a doll. the only thing about was it gave me 'the fear' (what's the fear, my ex jacquie asked...if i knew i wouldn't be afraid as much of it, says i). i think the girl reminded me alot of myself...boy with his feet in the creek..looking up at the stars..afraid of love, and hesistant to seek it. but also i have this strange love/hate relationshionship of ingenues...you know cutesy intelligent innocent young woman childs...i can never figure it out. society tells me i should adore them..and i sorta do. but mostly i want to pull them out of their bubbles corrupt and jade them.....i also more interested in the side characters...obviously the failed writer..a classic romantic...and the big sisterly porn shop coworker of the boy. i thought she was tops. in fact, one of the greatest things about the movie i thought, was after the movie reel ends, you just *know* wallflower amelie with chunky shoes will be thrust into this whole porn shop subculture that her boyfriend is working in.

ALSO....there was a little sidestory in the movie that reminded me alot of franz kafka true story. it seems my entire life revolves around bjork and franz kafka. ill post it.

THE DOLL'S STORY

This is a true story.
Towards the end of his life, Franz Kafka, who suffered from tuberculosis, took to
walking in a park near his home. He became friendly with a little girl of about ten,
and they often walked in the park together.
One day, he found her crying. When he asked her why, she told him that she
had lost her favorite doll. Kafka replied that she hadn't lost her doll -
the doll had just gone on a journey, and was having adventures.

In the weeks that followed, whenever Kafka met the little girl, he would tell her
about her doll's travels, the places and people she was visiting. It became
quite a travelogue.

Shortly before he died, Kafka bought a new doll for the little girl. But when he
gave her to her, she was upset. "She doesn't look the same!" she cried.

"Well," said Kafka, "that's because she's been travelling and journeying,
and she's changed."

Years later, when she was much older and had learned to read,
she found her old doll, and discovered
that there was a note tucked in her pinafore. It said:

Everyone you love
will go away
and come back again
to love you in another way.

.....isn't that great? i doubt its true though. kafka was notoriously paranoid and even asked his work to be destroyed on his death bed. his executor disobeyed that request. thank god. also, the first time i heard that story, the way the person told it to me was that kafka just wrote letters as the doll (in foreign locales) to the girl, and that was it......its so much more creepier. so much more....KAFKA!

i picked up an issues of Colors magazine, which i haven't seen really, since i was working *in* a magazine store. the theme was 'Madness'. it was great. second best magazine issue i've ever read. i think mine and everyone else's fascination with insanity is that one day, simply you will lose the plot....and everything you hold dear will cease to matter.... i find that scary and fascinating. by the way, my favorite magazine issue is Esquire's 'Genius' issue....i dont think the two threads are a coincidence.

from the Colors madness issue:
"when i was a child a coconut fell on my head. it seems that was the cause of my illness."

"mcdonald's happy meals really make you happy"

"once i dreamed that i was superman, i mean i call him superman, but it wasn't really superman, but superman is the thing he was most like. i went flying to the end of the universe and then i came back. i felt so free, free....other times i dreamed the same thing. i start the same dream and then i can't fly, and i stay in the same spot trying to jump but i can't fly anymore...what do you think of that, eh?"

"what are you scared of?"
"im scared of the outside because rafael is there and i don't want to see him"
"but you are rafael"
"now you understand what i'm scared of"

ive suddenly become obsessed with oranges. even so far as to type 'orange porn' and 'orange erotica' into search engines. i remember some hilarious orange porn on conan o brien, but i haven't watched that show in ages. its like talking to an old friend who's gone mad!

random orange phrases in my quote log:
"The cameramen are filming me eat an orange"

"I look at alot of porn, & like to masturbate alot. My desk that my comp is on (& Where I masturbate) is next to my closet door. For a couple of months I would sling the jiz onto the closet door. Now there's shitloads of orange/brown drizzles all over my white closet door, don't ask me how the cum turned brown/orange but it did.
When my parents ask about it, I say it's orange juice "

"Last night I had a dream where I was eating an orange. It wasn't a very exciting dream. But in most of my dreams, people betray me and hurt me very badly...this dream was not like that. So it was a good dream.

the new bjork cocoon video HERE. glory and gloriousness made flesh!

2002-02-11T09:14:00.000-06:00

/listening to space - avenging angels.

....i don't know why i have a soft spot in my heart this type of voice. i can't even catergorize it. talky...singy....taco and adam ant do it too. maybe its part of my vegas floorshow fantasy.

i also think the part in sophie ellis bextor's murder on the dancefloor where she goes 'i know i know i know i know.......and so and so and so' ...is one of the most unabashedly pop moments in recent memory. i hope america goes through a disco revival as well.

i dont really have/want to blog right now....although there are so many things to say. but there are more important things to be done. ive been kind of depressed lately. its that simple. and that complicated. i look and feel like the guy in the 1950's student film 'the benefits of thinking ahead'. even down to the don johnson stubble and holey sweater.

i managed to finish kavalier and klay. the setup is better than the punchline. but i saw wonder boys, a movie that was based on a book the same author had written..and it suffered from that same thing so i suspected it...but i could't put it down for some reason. it...just speaks to me, even ideas that have been gestating in my head, and thought were wholly original. oh well. i read it while eating roast duck and rice, remembering having a strange pause thinking 'this *is* life, isn't it?'. i also read it while eating at wendy's, a place, for reasons that are quite transparent and obvious, that ive willed myself into from a passing mental quirk to quite a physical craving. its pretty sick.

somewhat related to the book, since alot of it had to do with magic(the practised fake kind) and escape(physical and mental)...i just had some memories of not knowing the language in china sitting in chinese parks and wowing people with magic tricks. i also remember getting drunk, which is above the language barrier too.

i think im going to watch amelie today. escape is something i really need. i think ive tried to see it about three times now, the most recent after a rather unusual and childish blowup in front of someone im seeing.... the time before, getting there too late and ended up trawling gay go go bars and then watching rocky horror picture show ( which is fucking horrible), and the time before that, the weekend it came out, trying to get a girl who held french pretenses to go see it ("it's too soooon". blah). i think shes studying at the sorbonne now.

i had a dream about an high school ex girlfriend last night. in it, we were studying in a library amongst the smart kids, who i never felt quite comfortable with. gay carl winslow was there, he was buff and his police uniform had no sleeves. i remember having a conversation of some importance with the ex. i hope she hasn't died recently or something.....because thats what it felt like...a closure dream.....i had a dream a couple years ago where i felt my father dying, woke up crying,and went downstairs to find him very alive...i think thats always had something to do with my resolve to never leave the city until my parents die and i can never regret not being there. morbid, i know. but i'm not fucking up on this one.

listened to alex@technicolor's twee pop radio show with mary. reminded me *alot* of the stuff i used to listen to at that age. i even called in a request...they had no hungry lucy, goldfrapp, astrud gilberto, or dubstar, but they had mary's request 'beat happening'...i swear im not a stalker...she has an adorable voice. also, i was eating while listening....absentmindedly nibbling on chicken nuggets and fries even when i past full, which i almost never do. i swear the act alone felt narcotic. which makes you think, if you breath 100% oxygen, you get high....if you drink gallons of water..you get high....what the hell...

oh...i got something for ya.

are you ready?

no you couldn't possibly be....

ELF PORN!.

..its great. its even tries to keep up the pretense.

2002-02-10T06:57:00.000-06:00

ive been grabbing my sleep in chunks the last couple days. reading michael chabon's the adventures of kavalier and klay, soen kierkegaard's the seducer's diary, and a book on hypnotic suggestion. sounds like a massive undertaking but i tend to rove and read a little bit at a time, so it actually take a while. besides, who actually has the time to actually 'read' these days?

a realization sorta dawned on me, thats sorta been gestating in the back of my mind, but propelled by reading kavalier and klay. i see myself as a work of progress, and that my life is somewhat is in the vein of something strange like james joyce, arthur rimbaud, or andy milligan, in what little i actually know of their lives. except they've done something, whereas i have not. that doesn't hamper me at all, in fact i think specialization in any given field paves way to obsolesence, but still......... actually those examples are bad appromixations (sp?), i've always felt the people i should be emulating, ive never heard of at all.

i guess im rambling. i've always had a hired gun/journeyman mentality, trying to pick up as many skills as i could, or just moving around so as not to keep bored. i've always secretly felt that even in high school; even then trying to reason myself into the safe life.....i think everyone feels like this though. my life is actually very set out in stone, but not. i realize there are certain immutable drives that can never be diverted, but i also realize that anything..ANYTHING is possible. i think thats perhaps why i think too much...difficult for me to make choices. a thousand possibilites that pivot from one point all at once.

people of course are very secretive. and for many reasons want to appear; what we call ordinary. everybody has thoughts that they want to conceal, perhaps to simplify their lives. people have obsessions, fear, and passions which they don't admit to....you know..alot of the time i feel like such a whore. can't figure out why.

however, i am still young, and like the two don quixotish garbagemen in 'twice upon a yesterday' say ' but to our new friend, the future is an even bigger pocket, and who knows what it contains?'

god i love that movie to death.

2002-02-09T04:22:00.000-06:00

/;istening to goldfrapp - u.k. girls (cover of olivia newton john's physical). so so good.

if i was a good and interesting blogboy, i'd talk about my last week. perhaps ill go into it later though. i don't like newscasting

tonite i was gonna go out dancing. i took a short nap. woke up late. worked out for a bit. did some clothes alterations. got dressed. but then suddenly decided to stay home. readings lots of modern poetry, things ive wrote/cut/pasted over the years and listening to slow slow music, all the while working myself into some mad fever. its wierd how that works.ii feel desperare and happy. im dizzy and very very tired but know i could stay up all night reading/writing/musing. its happened before. some part of my brain that does this. some people pay lots of money to get the high i seem to get naturally. some people never feel it at all....if i found some person who could do this to consistently i would never let them go....and afterwards perhaps have the dead and decaying body sleeping next to me in bed.....

ive mentioned this elsewhere, but not here. i want to become a strip club dj and am quite serious about it...the only thing is i think im romanticising it a bit more than i should. i would see it as a great gig to play slow reptilian backbrain music i might like while saying tour guide-y and philosophical things to the audience . but from talking to various dj's, they say its less about music and mothering 75 girlfriends who have pms all at the same time.......... that sounds fun too. i just want be the only strip club dj in town with an adam ant fixation and have a reason to collect army of lover's LPs. ....ill blanket the city next week. im certain someone will have me, if its meant to be.

heres something i cobbled together from two poems and an amazon.com review. im such a slut

Let this one clear square of thought be just
like a room you could come in to

I love you
even if you don't understand me
even if you burn my attempts to reach you
even if you are no one, nowhere.
After all, I warm my hands by the same fires

Leda possessed a pair of knees that also bent
in prayer.
I ask of you only what she asked for there.

bonus:
i want to die at the end of the day
in the high seas
with my face towards they sky
when it seems like agony is just a dream, and the soul
a bird, ascending in flight. - manuel gutirriez najera, quoted during a pivotal scene in 'Before Night Falls'

"Tell me why the stars do shine,
Tell me why the ivy twines,
Tell me what makes the sky so blue
And I will tell you why I love you.

"Well...

"Nuclear fission makes the stars to shine,
Tropism makes the ivy twine,
Raleigh scattering makes the sky so blue,
And gonads and hormones are why I love you." - ?

2002-02-04T14:37:00.000-06:00

i am such a dirty faced little monkey....

2002-02-04T03:37:00.000-06:00

in lieu of a *real* post, heres some survey filled out to avoid doing any real work. im dumping them here. :) it repeats itself after a while

Get your geek avatar heah:

1. Do you like to read, and if so, who are some of your favorite authors and/or genres?
my life revolves around reading, and not just books. fave authors are essayist david sedaris, franz kafka. martin amis. surrealist children's author daniel pinkwater. reinaldo arenas. magazine writer po bronson...currently im trying get into rimbaud and baudelaire. theres something about poetry that always makes me angry, like i know im missing out on something. its like kissing through a veil. except you don't really like kissing, and the veil has this really intricate red and black flower pattern. and you want the scarf around your eyes.

2. Do you think comics are better than regular books?
in some cases. both have their shortcomings. you have to admit though, 90% of comic books are kiddie fare. but thats the case in any artform. right now, the only people im really watching are david mack, grant morrison and warren ellis. garth ennis is charmingly angry too.

3. How many video games do you own? How many hours a week would you say you spend playing video games?
i have a ps2 and about 6 games from christmas, unopened. i like games, but don't want it to take over my life. i have a tremendously addictive personality and fear MMORPGS. i played alot of advance wars on gba recently.....then wondered what the point was really...... the movie eXistenZ really skewed my opinion on games....even though it could be about games as it could just as well be drugs, anal sex, books...any divsersion really...

4. Do you like anime, and if so, how big is your anime collection? Do you like hentai? Yaoi?

anime has always seemed so shallow. the chance i *do* watch something, it doesn't change my mind. hentai is okay. doesn't get me hot or anything. i can see the appeal of yaoi/bisounen. they just need to make it more interesting. you can only dig cocks going into vag's for so long.

5. Which is the better science fiction franchise: Star Wars or Star Trek?

neither really. i see star wars like a homage to swashbuckling flicks, and star trek like space cops or something. star wars wins by a hair simply because it has natalie portman, ewoks, and nien nunb, the space mexican.

6. Would you say you are passionate about music? What bands do you like?
i wouldn't say i was...but when i see myself outside my group of friends it is very obvious i am.

i love unabashedly (but not boring) pop POP. shoegaze. britpop, new wave/synthpop. disco. early 90's handbag house. the stuff that came out of germany a few years ago. 60's francophile/ brill building era pop. i find myself listening to lots of soundtrack instrumentals and some classical recently though.

fave bands are st. etienne, goldfrapp, moz/the smiths, blur, pulp, kenickie, bjork, echobelly, black box recorder, my bloody valentine, hooverphonic, pet shop boys, omd, erasure, dusty springfield. dionne warwick, david sylvian, chet baker, serge gainsbourg. michael nyman, carter burwell

7. Would you consider yourself a movie buff? What directors and/or films do you like?
i dont know if i'd consider myself a film buff. my favorite directors are..... wes anderson, andrew niccol, david cronenberg, julian schnabel, stanley kubrick, alfred hitchcock, jean pierre jeunet, whit stillman, peter jackson, anything associated with bob fosse.

my favorite movies are heavenly creatures, A.I, Gattaca, Ghost World, The House of Yes, Barcelona, Funny Face, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Conan the Destroyer, Aliens Resurrection, Before Night Falls, Going All the Way, Love and Death on Long Island, eXistenZ, Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead, Beautiful Girls, Wall Street, the Way of the Gun, Zoolander, Vertigo, Persona, The Story of Ricky, Amelie

8. Do you write and/or read fanfics? If so, what do you write fanfics about?
no. but i bet i could get into them very very easily.

9. Do you play D&D or any other non-video game RPG?
no. i am fascinated with the people who play them though.

10. Have you ever attended a sci-fi con? How about a renaissance festival?
scif- con. no. renfest. almost.

11. Do you LARP?
no. keeping up the pretense would take far too much work. but i do like the idea of escapism through fashion( see my cosplay fascination). i'd love to see a nebbish geek become a confident rake and see it bleed into his real life....then go sodomize a 80 year man or something.

12. Would you consider yourself "goth"?
silly boy, the more goth you are, the less likely you'd call yourself goth. but no, im not. one of my greatest strengths is that i've never considered myself part of any movement/ -ism. it does get lonely though

13. Have you ever attended a rave?
yes. very boring. i need better drugs

14. Do you frequent Ain't It Cool News, or any other movie news website?
imdb.com for movie fact. upcomingmovies.com for what comes out in the coming weeks.

15. Do you watch pro wrestling? If so, how would you assess your knowledge of wrestling history and/or trivia on a scale of 1 to 10?
no. 2. wrestling is so gay that its straight. like ricky martin

The Outcome: Christ Choice. I knew people like you and Joost would test the hell out of the premise of this thread.

Choice, I can honestly say that in the entire world, there is no one weirder than you. You not only merit your own category of nerddom, but I think you lie somewhere outside the rest of us homo-sapiens as a species as well. In fact, I think it's highly probable that you're some kind of alien.

Seven things that scare you:
* choices
* being unprepared
* "love". to an extent, having nothing to hide
* getting bored. and to a far lesser extent getting boring
* sanity
* losing it all. getting it all. the usual
* losing the ability to appreciate beauty..or get off..

Seven things that make you laugh:
* the dog that tell sam berkowitz to kill in the summer of sam. i laughed so much i scared everyone
* my brother pulling out a coupon at bennigans all asshole like, then us laughing hysterically for literally 10 minutes.
* well. last week i quoted one of the kids in 'kindergarten cop' while a girl was straddling me. and she remembered it. we both had a good laugh........afterwards i walked around walmart for a few hours to clear my head.
* this guy i hated for no good reason really fell out of his chair, and i stood up and laughed for a good two minutes after everyone else had stopped. yeah, im an ass.
* random things excite me. feels like anything can happen. i saw a midget riding a bike and a man on a skateboard with no legs and dayglo orange vest cross each other at a busy 4 way
* myself. my mind. my imagination.
* life, innit. its funny. gets vaguely philosophical: When you slip on a banana peel, you are both subject to both gravity and friction, and therefore you may die. And in synapse of that realization, you laugh. The theory is that laughter is a defense, a mechanism against the realization of your own mortality - Andre Begron.

Seven things you love:
* drama, baby!
* the multiplicity of daily life
* the fact that everyone is out for themselves, doing their thing. trying to find happiness. trying to find a hole!
* the exchange of ideas
* media in all forms
* the element of sex that seems to drench everything. no perhaps a better word would be passion. "The Angels love enthusiasm far more than perfection." --anonymous
* milkshakes

bonus: not loves, but what im currently smitten with:
* an obsession with gloves
* pulling out an apple or orange, and dramatically eating it. with an apple it would have to be red and the size of the fist, and biting in it bored yet ravenously as you look upon something sordid, evoking adam and apple connotations. with an orange it would have to be large navel orange, kind of hunched over rapt in attention in unraveling it and its segments..... i realize how strange this is.
*watching people sleep.....oddly enough, i hate the idea of myself being asleep, and oddly, have always been disappointed in myself for doing it. i lock my doors also.
* persian tea, 6 sugarcubes
* eyes
* slight lisps, or better yet, that hard palette pushing talk that sometimes people unconsciously have. accents are good. the mirroring effect is sexy too.
* a certain person (no. not you) who's personality is almost druglike to me. sadly, i suspect the certain person unconsciously exudes it to everyone. i hope this isn't something messy like love. god i hate this

Seven things you hate:
* what is considered work
* not very well hidden lies. ignorance *CAN* be bliss. but put some fucking effort in the game son.
* incredibly interesting, glamorous people who have no apparent flaws or hardships. dear lord i hate them....and i can't figure out why. technically i should love them.
* myself.
* the limitations
* the possibilities
* .....other unexplainable things i can't seem to describe. astrud gilberto - a certain sadness. go download the mp3.

Seven things you plan to do before you die:
* cut out compromise as much as possible
* travel, learn the language
* pack light, keep mobile
* set it up where i wont have to worry about money or perhaps have a profession that doesn't seem like compromise
* leave something behind
* learn all the things i want to know.
* go insane. something poetic and lyrical. not bugs bugs bugs

Seven things you can do: (fuck this is hard)
* remember everything people say, unconsciously
* get what i waaant
* write. sing. lots of things. not particularly. i have a jack of all trades. master of none mentality.
* disconnect
* multitask.
* *!*. thats the only way i can explain it
* T. C. B. ha. i guess im not taking this too seriously

Seven Things You Can't Do:
* trust
* fake it.....im sorry
* stop caring
* well...ive always been disappointed i can't write well with my left hand....my right hand too now that mention it. i can't snap my fingers. my thumb is double jointed.
* tell you about these scars on my body. well i could, but why should i? tattoos and piercings are for pussies.
* i find it hard to compromise....
* get bored. i can't let that happen. pure torture.

Top 7 favorite music groups/singers:
* the smiths
* bjork
* allison goldfrapp
* pet shop boys
* echobelly
* kenickie
* *purposely leaves this slot open*

Top 7 favorite movies:
* A.I
* Before Night Falls
* Funny Face
* Zoolander
* Barcelona
* Gattaca
* The House of Yes
bonus: Heavenly Creatures

basic:

name: don. n. nuyen
age: 21

friends:

someone you'd take a bullet for: *uneasy*. im sure there are people i'd take bullets for. but for entirely the *wrong* reasons.

someone that wastes your air: i just avoid people i dont enjoy. besides. its not *my* air.

something a friend did for you that you didn't thank them enough for: putting up with my ass

something you did for a friend that they didn't thank you enough for: i don't think about it like that. you do things because you want to.

friend you miss: this question makes me sad. the random ones i never quite got to know. for instance, not that this is stands out or anything, but i remember talking to this girl about my (now gone) obsession with chairs and she talked about her obsession with socks, and we started hypervenilate and we were revealing evil sick things. "A fellow will remember a lot of things you wouldn't think he'd remember. You take me. One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a girl waiting to get off. A white dress she had on. She was carrying a white parasol. I only saw her for one second. She didn't see me at all, but I'll bet a month hasn't gone by since that I haven't thought of that girl." - Citizen Cane

video games:

do you play: yeah
if "no" skip this part

what game has wasted the most of your time? im sure ive played longer games. but i thought final fantasy 8 was a huge waste of time when i finished it

2d or 3d? depends of the idea execution

console or pc? console, likely

genre? i dont have a real fave. whatever good.

what game do you claim invincibility in? *claims* to be good at intelligence qube

food:

favorite comfort food? milkshakes

favorite food you can never afford? food doesn't cost that much..so ill say...human flesh

what do you eat when you don't want to figure out what to eat? beef ramen or something that comes in a can

favorite snack? maraschino cherries or these cookies i can never find called Hanover Waffelin

food that you can't stand? dunno, i just don't eat it. im picky

food habit you have that others can't stand? (ex: ketchup on eggs) either the fact that i put too much sugar in things OR when i mix foods up. it doesn't taste much different and its gonna be like that in your stomach anyway.

music:

favorite music and why you like it? in a word, pop

music you like that everyone hates? disco?

do you wish you could play the kind of music you like? definitely

you:
nerdiest thing about you? my wealth/divulging of offhand,revelant information makes people uncomfortable. also i tend to laugh to myself, at something funny only to me in my head. but people likely think im thinking/laughing at them. and theres no point in explaining.

something about you that you feel is worth bragging about? don't make me love or hate you, because i will fuck you up either way.....also it takes me a long time to come, but trust me. its a fucking curse, child.

is your LJ a recount of your day or do you write about ideas and events? more the latter.

how much money do you spend to survive in a given week? do i look like an accountant?

considereing the above answer, are you high or low maintenence? defintitely low, but i know what i want.

are you happy with who you are? never. but i think the most interesting people are a bit inbetween

are you happy with how you look? sixty percent of the time

misconception about you? i have an attitude. but really, im a pussycat

can you be trusted? im more trustworthy than you are, lets just say it like that.

on a scale of one to ten, how big is your ego? 7

your life:

most embarassing thing that you ever did? asked a sophomore in college with a boyfriend, out when i was sixteen. she turned me down and it literally warped me. im over that though. im both more direct and indirect now. for kicks these days, i like to make eye contact, somewhat evil smirk, somewhat seriously say "how much would it cost to piss in your mouth?"

.....that wasn't my most embarrassing moment, but that will do.

most embarassing thing your parents ever did around you? well, i heard them fucking once when i was trying to nick something from my mum's purse.

one word that would describe your life? pop. or content. in whatever meaning you choose to interpret it.

are you realy as miserble/happy as you let on? yes. im quite transparent.

misc:
do people that are religious/atheists get on your nerves? not really, whatever gets you hot.

who are you to judge? i could care less. just stay out of my way

do you think the us has blown up enough of afganistan yet? i believe there are other methods for getting what you want, but im quite laissez faire about politics.

do you steal when you know you won't be caught? yes. ill try to steal anything i can get my hands on and i can use. my only amoral rule is no friends/family/ mom & pop type places.

do you do something that when others do it, it gets on your nerves? im sure i do. the mind is a funny thing

favorite weather? why? sunny out but cold and crisp enough to wear a jacket. sometimes i like cold rain at night though, with amber streetlights.

favorite childhood show? ducktales or alvin & chipmunks

got something against someone? yes

what do you smell like? sickly sweet cherries. im about to take long bath *then* work out though.

something the world could do without? definitely not.

movies:

what do you look for in a movie? escape? catharsis?

common themes: obsession, passion, the nature of existence.

do prefer "good" movies or "bad" movies? good. sometimes i don't have the patience required for bad movies.

movie you could watch every day? A.I.

movie you wish you'd never seen? rocky horror picture show. sofriggingdumb

most underrated movie? A.I. damn it!

most overrated movie? hmm.. artemisia! jesus. the bald guy behind us was breathing REALLY hard during the nudity. and it was a small and empty theater.

hair:

how long do you spend on it? not much. ive always found hair products...unnatural. and i haven't spent more than ten dollars on a hair cut. im slowly getting over it though

really? yeah

why? well. i actually find my hair better after ive slept in it.

pokemon:
favorite pokemon? i just had to look at the website. so many. dont make me choose
ever played the game? yeah. someone left there GB color in a restaurant once and i kept it. its like final fantasy but with no story.

seen one of the movies in the theatre? nope

eaten the fruit snacks? i dont eat fruit snacks

eaten the cereal? no

fantasized about sex with Jessie, James, or any pokemon? james when he had the boobs. tit fucking is so overrated though so i think i might have that ass. oh, jessie wears tank tops and suspenders? how night porterish for a childrens show

pokemon: cloyster. it looks like a big vag.

pokemon you would eat? im not picky. no wait, yes i am.

2002-02-01T00:27:00.000-06:00

i can't help but think we all need a little bit of drama in our lives....do you realize how amazingly difficult to find the perfect pair of blue jeans?

peggy lee died last week at age 81.

i went to a strip club for lunch recently. third time ever ive been in one..... i think i discovered it as a good place to dissociate and just *wallow* in your own misery, pretend to get drunk, and smoke cigarretes. hopefully next time i can sneak in a mp3 player for my own soundtrack. and this strange breakfast at tiffany's inspired fixation on wearing sunglasses there. but that wouldn't work, would it?

i have no doubt in my mind that all the great poets were heavy drug abusers. how else would they ?

when asked about drugs, salvador dalí said, "i do not take drugs. i AM drugs."..makes sense really

im so deliciously depressed right now. every song sounds really sad. if i had some persian tea with five sugarcubes i'd drink that now too. im going to curl up into a foetal ball on my bed right now and read some baudelaire with one hand.

...sorry.. ive just always believed when youre happy *and* when youre sad. you should really indulge it. better than being bored. which ive been for the past week.

2002-01-24T13:04:00.000-06:00

i've been feeling really *really* good the last day or so. i know exactly why, but i dont want to want to get too pornographic or even worse, personal, in my own journal.

related maybe, but last night i had an incredible dream. nothing overly surreal or sexual, but then again everything sorta is, you know? i can't remember a lick of it, even after i tried immediately after i woke up, but i remember thinking how fantastic the dream was while i was dreaming it. the only way i could describe it is like it was that jawbreaker in Willy Wonka that replaced/tasted like breakfast, lunch, and dinner all at once....or like a really great symphonic suite where your heart wants go jump out of your body yet you have an unfathomable sadness. im thinking mahler's kintertotenlieder(written after the death of the composer's son) sung by six year olds. indescribingly obscene. i also noticed when i woke up that my body was incredibly sore. as soon as i moved, it went away...i think i didn't move at all while was i dreaming...

then again, it may have been the two slices of chicken,pineapple, and pork pizza i had *right* before i went to bed.

2002-01-19T22:11:00.000-06:00

/listening to cardigans - happy meal

i was just in at Wendy's, paying my respects, Adam and the Ant's Antmusic was playing so me and this four year old kid were bopping along to it. as i left they played Bronski Beat..what the hell.

i looked to the larger than life poster of dave thomas and asked 'Do i make you proud? Where is mommy? Is she out shopping with Martin? ' Dave liltingly, almost sadly said ' Dearest Don. Your Mother died thousands of of years ago? But if you ever get lonely, we can clone humans that we dig up from the ice'.

it was wierd man, i think it was the frosty i was drinking.

2002-01-19T09:11:00.000-06:00

/listening to lush - single girl

today/last night was strange. i spent half the day shopping for leather jeans. you walk in the these leather fetish stores and you dont know what half of these things *do*. its scary. i also saw some goatse.cx sized butt plugs. then out clubbing. david morales djing, who is somewhat of a draw for me since he made some of the gayest songs of the 90's and produced the last pet shop boys album. i hit a median looking for the place and slashed one of my tires and my airbag popped. i replaced. im quite good in these situations, very zen. the way i see it, i dont look at it as, if i didn't go out tonight, i wouldn't have had a minor accident, but that it was bound to happen eventually, and i very well can't stay in my house all day in order to prevent it . that kind of attitude isn't very productive towards significant other relationships. "yeah, if you're unhappy. maybe you *should* break up with me". a cop also dropped by, asked if i had been drinking, and i said, no not at this point in the evening. he said, well um, you have a lisp. i said i was put in speech therapy with budding homosexuals when i was in the fourth grade and never quite got rid of it. he was most helpful.

the club didn't let me bring my camera in.

anyways the way i was dressed and made up i felt like some hindu sex god for some reason. even without my first gloves of choice. the cover was fifteen fricking dollars so i danced until 5 a.m, just out of spite. i now notice i dance *just* like Monserrat Raventos dancing to Donna Summer in the movie Barcelona..... i hinted my friends to go home earlier. nothing to see really, the music was quite horrible. the same beat over and over. i got alot of that them: 'my friend wants to meet you'. me: ' tell her i said hi'. them: 'oh no, its a guy'. me: ' well hi anyways'. i wish most girls were more aggressive.i asked the dj the play some Nightlife, the psb album he produced and he scowled at me.

early morning i was near chinatown so i took a walk around, i used to know the area very well. some korean ladies were like ' you look like movie star!'. 'you very pretty'.' do you know youre face is pretty?' i said, 'yes.yes i do know'.....people dont like when you say things like that, i dont know why. when they said movie star i was i imaging myself as a bollywood movie star, descending a long staircase in a white suit and orange scarf singing 'NA NA NEEEE NA NA NNEEEE'

the same thing would happen when i was in China. girls would would come up to me and say my face was 'Cool' because they didn't have a word for it or something. i also added i have a horrible personality, but i think it got lost in the translation. then they went on about how vietnamese boys and girls are usually ugly. which is totally incorrect *and* rude, and besides dear lord isn't there enough racism?

i just recently realized i hate people as inidividuals, yet love society as a whole. my being a social misfit wasn't a fluke at all. i know how to elicit the response i want from people, but thats just something i had to teach myself to do. i guess i have to look for what Hedwig called 'my other hawwwf'.

oh. i felt up some fake tits recently. i was like hey are those new? and she was like. yeah. feel them! like it was a new toy. i dont see what the bad rap is, really. seems decent to me. if it makes you happy then go for it. the only thing i'd be worried about is someone digging up your corpse 100 years later and they'd be your skeleton and these fake boobs.....but then again...i have issues concerning the fillings in my teeth..so maybe im not rational.

2002-01-18T03:42:00.000-06:00

/listening to ..i wanna say...Pet Shop Boys - Symphonic Overture to Performance...but ive just starting listening to numerous renditions of the suicidal classic "Gloomy Sunday"

im through being moody and am now in a strange 'non stop beauty, drive to discraction; crash on the way' kind of mood right now. must be dopamine deprivation from last night. what a strange event life is, seemingly running on just sugar and electricity. sugar and electricity. i like that. to get over my moods, i rented several musicals.....you know...that explains a fucking lot. these obsessions lately...

i was doing extended periods of stretching and laughed when i read this in a week old newspaper, " Qwfwq's show "Clown Town" encourages attendees to dress up as clowns or strippers as they peruse various works of clown inspired art. Qwfwq explains: "Strippers and clowns are the bottom rung of society. We hate them, yet are fascinated by them." In Qwfwq's opinion, the two careers sought by people, like himself, who were abused as children. He's fascinated by the fact that although clowns are supposed to be funny, they're actually quite frightening".....is it only obvious to me, because im quite sick, that they should do away with the formalities and bring the stripper clowns? really. i like the idea of masks....these women that simultaneously have you doubled over in violent laughter as you expel semen from your penis.

too bad i only found out about it now, sounded like fun. last week at that time time a italian girl with a feline face was kissing me while i sang along to the goldfrapp album. she was getting over a loss, so said 'there there.....there' and she said 'well its better than crying', which i found and still find, incredibly poignant.

then i went out dancing three times the night before that and now. and tomorrow too. what am i running from?

and where the fuck are my gloves? i need them. tomorrow will be fun. i just know it.

2002-01-17T17:57:00.000-06:00

the last week has been a strange mass of hot and cold fronts.self doubting and second guessing, which im admittedly not accustomed to. i make these choices, and im learning alot of people myself and how im percieved, and also having a rush for self improvement. i realize there are certain inescapable drives and perplexing hungers that make us who we are. the invisible hand from economics. escape artists. long distance runners. lately, ive been thinking about what i want, what i really really want. i don't know. or know if its even out there.

for some reason i really want to take up fencing and archery now..... must be something with the gloves. the jazz dancing will have to wait.

last night i went out dancing with a strange put together look...i remember dancing to 4 or 5 songs.....when i was woke up, i was in my car......somewhere..it was 6 in the morning...my gloves and my right contact lense were missing. strange writing in my pockets...and my throat hurts like ive been screaming or something.

2002-01-11T03:36:00.000-06:00

im also smitten with those old woodrow skits that were on snl a couple years ago. schnell! schnell!

Woodrow

The fans are yelling to Britney, wanting autographs.
Then a homeless man, Woodrow comes out.

WOODROW: Over here Britney it's me, Woodrow!

MANAGER: listen, stand back. Stand back everyone Mrs. Spears is very tired so I'm sorry, but there will be no autographs tonight.

FANS: awwww......

WOODROW: Looky here everyone! It's me, Woodrow! Woodrow!

FANS: Ewww! He stinks!

MANAGER: Please, do not come any closer to Mrs. Spears.

FAN 1: He thinks he's gonna talk to Britney!

FANS: (Laugh histerically)

FAN 2: Look everybody,(points at him)he's crazy!

FANS: (Laugh histerically)

FAN 3: Hey, hey. He didn't even have any money to see the show!

FANS: (Laugh histerically)

WOODROW: Hey! That's not funny!

FAN 1: Yes, it's very funny!

FANS: (Laugh histerically)

WOODROW: Why? Why? Stop laughing at me! I have feelings to! Stop laughing at me! Woodrow don't hurt no one!

(Woodrow starts crying and the fans continue to laugh at him)

MANAGER: Oh, calm down. Calm down. Everyone, the show's over. Let's break this up, okay?

BRITNEY: Wait a minute. I think they've hurt his feelings!

(The manager just sighes and shrugs his shoulders)

BRITNEY: I'm so sorry, would you like to sign your telephone book for you?

WOODROW: Who, me?

BRITNEY: Yes you, you ole' cry baby!

(The fans are shocked)

WOODROW: I guess I kinda overreacted.

BRITNEY: Here, use this. (She pulls out a blue hanky and gives it to him so he can wipe his eyes)

WOODROW: Thanks.(He wipes his tears with it) It's just that I'm-I'm such a big fan and-and when they started laughing at me, I just wanted to run home!

BRITNEY: Where's home?

WOODROW: About 10 feet from here.

BRITNEY: You live in the alley?

WOODROW: No, down in the manhole. I live in the sewer.

BRITNEY: aw. I tell you what. Since these people are kinda stuffy anyway, how about I walk you home.

WOODROW: You mean it? You would do that?

BRITNEY: For you? Come on Woodrow.

(They walk over to the sewer and the crowd gasps in surprise.)

FANS: Britney Britney! But Britney!

MANAGER: Britney, where are you going? We've gotta-We've gotta plane to catch!

BRITNEY: I'll be back. I'm just going to go down in the sewer.

MANAGER: The sewer?! Britney NO!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

FAN 2: Hey guys! Britney is headed down in the sewer with a crazy homeless man!

FANS: (gasp)

FAN 4: Hey-that's big news!

MANAGER: Somebody stop her. Call the police!

FAN 3: Let's all go down in the sewer!

FANS: (Cheer) YEA!!!

MANAGER: No, no. It's too dangerous! It's too dangerous.

FAN 2: Britney!

(Britney and Woodrow are in the sewer)

WOODROW: Well, this is it. This is-this is where I live.

BRITNEY: Well, it's not so bad. I like the mailbox(points to a mailbox behind Woodrow)

WOODROW: Oh I-I stole that because it had secrets about me.

BRITNEY: You know what, sometimes I'd like to steal a mailbox.

WOODROW: Oh, you're just saying that.

BRITNEY: I know...

WOODROW: Hey Britney, I was wondering.

BRITNEY: What?

WOODROW: Well, you're always singing for everybody else, and well-I wrote this-this song and I thought...

BRITNEY: That's so sweet! Yes, please. I'd love to hear it!

WOODROW: I-I-I got it right here(he skims through his phonebook)I mean, It's no-It's no "Oops I did it again" but-

BRITNEY: Just sing it..

Little TV sets
Going off inside my ear.
Spacemen floating by
Firecracker beer.
Chase the demons lightly
News, it hits your eyes.
Up and down the sidewalk
Take a Doo-doo pie.
I love you..

BRITNEY: Oh my gosh. That was so beautiful.

WOODROW: You mean it?

BRITNEY: I do. It was really nice.

WOODROW: I-I kind of wrote it at a real crazy time in my life. You really like it?

BRITNEY: I LOVE it.

WOODROW: I love YOU.

BRITNEY: I love you too.

(They are closely drifting towards each other, about to kiss).

MANAGER Right before they do) Britney! Britney Spears, are you down there in the sewer?!

BRITNEY: It's my manager.

MANAGER: We-We're coming to get you!

WOODROW: You better go.

BRITNEY: I can't! I wanna stay with you, down here in the sewer!

WOODROW: (He holds his finger up to her mouth) Shh. No, the world up there needs you. You go.

BRITNEY: I'll see you Woodrow. (She get's up, and is leaving).

WOODROW: So long, Britney.

(Woodrow sings...)

Chase the demons lightly
News, it hits your eyes.
Up and down the sidewalk
Take a Doo-doo pie.
I love you..

Woodrow

[ open on a group of actors sitting outside a Hollywood cafe ]
Actor: Anyway, long story short - I'm at home getting paid for doing squat.

Actress: And, believe me, you're good at doing that!
[ everyone laughs ]

Actor: I am!

Director: [ changing subject ] Kate, what time do we have to be back on the set?

Kate Hudson: Uh.. 1:20, we've got some time.

Actress: Hey, how's the movie going?

Kate Hudson: Oh.. great!

[ the sound of a car screeching to a halt can be heard ]

Voice in Street: Hey! Watch where you're going!

Woodrow: [ running forward ] Whoo! Blast off! Hey, everyone, it's me, Woodrow!

Actress: [ holding her nose ] Eugh!

Actor: [ horrified ] Oh, my God! He stinks!

Cafe Manager: Excuse me, Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Woodrow: I'm Woodrow! [ holds up mangled script ] I got a movie part for Kate, it's a doozy!

[ everyone laughs at him ]

Actress: Oh, my God, this guy actually thinks he's in the biz!

Woodrow: Stop! Stop laughing at me!

Director: [ laughing ] Even the homeless in this town have a script! I bet he directs!

Woodrow: It's not funny! [ starts crying ]

Kate Hudson: [ gets up to comfort Woodrow ] Hey, hey, you're hurting his feelings. It's okay. I'll look at your movie script.

Woodrow: You will?

Kate Hudson: Yes.

Woodrow: It's only a part of it. The best part, I left at home.

Kate Hudson: Oh. Well, let's go look at it. Where do you live?

Woodrow: Right here. [ points to manhole in middle of street ]

Kate Hudson: In the sewer?

Woodrow: Yeah. Come on.

[ Woodrow opens manhole and climbs down. Kate follows, much to the horror of her friends. ]

Director: Kate, remember we gotta be back at the studio by 1:30!

Actress: Geez.. oh, my gosh, you guys, I think I'm gonna be sick. That guy smelled awful!

Actor: Well, she can kiss her career goodbye.

Director: Really? Why?

Actor: Well, you never go down in a sewer with a homeless man! It's career-ending. Don't you know anything?!

[ cut to Woodrow and Kate reaching the bottom of the sewer - harp music sets the scene ]

Woodrow: Well, here we are. I like it because it's rent-controlled.

Kate Hudson: It's nice.

Woodrow: Here, would you like a doggie biscuit?

Kate Hudson: Uh.. no thank you.

Woodrow: How about a can of baby formula?

Kate Hudson: Sure. So, okay.. what about this movie script?

Woodrow: Oh, that? Uh.. [ fakes sound of phone ringing ] Ring! Ring! I gotta take this one.. [ picks up piece of board ] Buy, sell! Buy, sell! Buy, sell! Funny money, boo-bah! [ hangs up board ]

Kate Hudson: Wow. That sounded important..

Woodrow: Yeah. That's Wall Street stuff. I'm sorry about that. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah - the movie script. You don't really want to read this, do you?

Kate Hudson: Oh, no, I do. I really do.

Woodrow: Really? That's a relief. I gotta be honest.. you know that phone call I just had?

Kate Hudson: Yeah?

Woodrow: That was a fake. I was just trying to impress you. In fact, I'm not really that rich. I'm just a gret, big phony.

Kate Hudson: Oh, I don't think you're a phony.

Woodrow: Thanks! [ holds up script ] Okay, in this scene, you play Amanda Kiln, and I'll play the part of Dr. Jergens.

Kate Hudson: Okay. [ reads from script ] "Tell me, Doctor Jergens, is my liver gonna be okay?"

Woodrow: "No. No, it's not. Your liver has a brain tumor. It's serious."

Kate Hudson: "How serious?"

Woodrow: "Medical. That's how."

Kate Hudson: "Is it laryngitis?"

Woodrow: "Yes. You're going to die in.. in.. in a minute or so."

Kate Hudson: "Oh, God, this crazy world, Doctor, I'm scared!"

Woodrow: "You know, when I'm scared, I have a song I like to sing, and I want you to sing it with me.. [ singing ]
'Toasters and birds, little pigeon turds
Radio in my hair, it's really not there
Because I.. love.. you..'
Now, your turn.'

Kate Hudson: "Okay. [ singing ]
'Boogers and poop, dictionary soup
Run for the hills, we have to eat pills
And I.. love.. you..'"

Woodrow: "Now, both."

Kate Hudson: "Ah."

Together: [ singing ]
"'Mr. Rubber Face, I'm from outer space
Kibbles 'n Bits, tiny mouse tits
And I.. love.. you..
I.. love.. you..'"

Woodrow: This is it. This is where we kiss.

Kate Hudson: Like this? [ kisses Woodrow on the lips ]

Woodrow: See? You just made me piss my pants!

Kate Hudson: I've got an idea. Why don't I introduce you to my agent?

Director: Hey, Kate! It's past 1:30!

Kate Hudson: Oh, rats.. that's my director..

Woodrow: You'd better get back..

Kate Hudson: Oh, I can't leave.. I have feelings for you.. I think maybe I.. I think..

Woodrow: Shh.. You belong up there, with them. Now go.

Kate Hudson: You sure?

Woodrow: Go, before I change my mind.

Kate Hudson: Bye. [ climbs back up the sewer ]

Woodrow: [ fakes the sound of a telephone, and holds the board to his ear ] Hello? This is Woodrow. I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number. [ hangs up - scene fades to black ]

2002-01-11T03:30:00.000-06:00

/listening to erasure - man in the moon

things have been strange lately, no major shifts just a lot busier. over the holidays ive gotten a digital camera (very great, although the webcam function it has pretty weak), and a laptop. i intend to work alot more than i currently am now, so im trying to make it enjoyable as possible. im also trying to develop a dvd collection. since i usually like to have a movie to play in the background. and although this may sound very high school fantasy-ish, ive always wanted a shelf on my bookshelf devoted to erotica. this strange daydream that ill have someone over, looking at my bookshelf while i play the piano, you get the idea......but the thing is i was looking at what normal people would consider erotica and it seemed so flat. i dunno. i guess what im looking for is sinister and unnameable. that and the sad fact that i dont seem get off on sex like i do just going out dancing or a perfectly phrased line or a great two minute pop song or drinking a milkshake.

....i wish i really, i mean *really* enjoyed food. like totally fetishized it and wrote poems about it and became obsessed with chefs like most people would with rockstars. that would be fun

dave thomas died recently. its....affected me....probably more than having planes fly into the world trade center. dave thomas rocked like a senile granny. thats the main reason ive been compelled to blog, really......." and i can't but feel, this certain sadness is here, too stayyyyyy"

ive been having a wierd thing with silk flowers lately. they never die, and you can lace in your own perfumes and oils. isn't that exciting? the only funny thing is they're artificial yet you cant find flowers that don't actually exist in reality. no luck in finding blue or black roses. i thought we were the music makers and dreamers of the dream and shit.

im also comtemplating either dying my hair or growing a pencil thin moustache. but not both. dear god not both......either way would require a slight wardrobe shift in differering directions. not that i mind though.

i went out dancing last night, somewhat late actually, and got drunker than normal, knowing i had something to deal with afterwards. it seemed like the perfect songs to dance to Erasure's Oh Lamour, Kraftwerk's Tour De France ( fun. lots of people trying to do the robot, but cut halfway to play warm leatherette), with Bronski Beat's Small Town Boy followed by OMD's Tesla Girls. the floor was like gay kid heaven. of course i danced.

2001-12-19T14:48:00.000-06:00

/listening to phantasy star online soundtrack - a song for eternal story.

i ve been neglecting my journal, i know, and i certainly dont have the time now, as i am going away for a few days. but reflect on this, i think its was kind of funny that steven hawking is changing the way we view the cosmos, when he can't even leave his chair. i mean, he has to get someone to help him on the toilet. and funny thing is, both drives are interchangeable, can't have one without the other. an escape artist.

i have a new crown in my mouth. its really affecting my body image.

and lately ive been thinking about have sex in space, with a space prostitute.

2001-12-08T06:29:00.000-06:00

/listening to Towa Tei featuring Kylie Minogue - German Bold Italic.

i know this makes me sound like a total dork but the Frank Miller's 'The Dark Knight Strikes Back' is so rock. that and the new 'The Authority' made it a good week in comics. i guess comics are my rushmore. well not really.

and how long till we see some Catgirl a.k.a Carrie Kelley a.k.a Robin cosplay?

hmm on wednesday i went 80's clubbing and that was quite fun. one bad thing is since its a dead language, like latin, there is nothing new to listen to, unless you really want to get obscure and unlistenable. the good thing is there were two floors, so that halves your standing around waiting for something decent to dance to.

heres something newsworthy. after work earlier today, i went to mall for a gyro and cajun fries. then i had a new york cherry ice cream milkshake. i had to wait a long to time for the Indian guy to come out of the back, and he overcharged me 24 cents, and it was quite small, but it *tasted* like when your brain has an orgasm. guh. it also made me go home and immediately go to sleep, putting out all thoughts of promising to go clubbing i made the previous night( sorry kiddies)....i woke up six hours later crying. i had this Spielberg heartstring tugging like dream of these British schoolboys in a playground watching another kid die. and this Joel Haley Osment type kid coming down to him and hugging and kissing him, without fear of being infected. it really hit me at the time because my brain's logic centers were telling me, you should be feeling this. because you're sick and dying too! hence the crying*. it wasn't till i woke up did i realize that i wasn't sick or dying at all.

as a friend said, thats a fucking good milkshake

anyway, i want another one of those. like Rapunzel's Mom gave up her newborn baby for her neigbor's radishes.

* footnote: which kind of reminds me of a quote of mother jones article i read recently about false memories. "Nobody is sure exactly what happened that day; Tim Armstrong has declined to discuss the case. But according to Matthew, Armstrong asked Kathy to lie back and free-associate while he sang the ABC song. By the time he reached L-M-N-O-P, Kathy was crying and yelling hysterically. After she stopped, an hour and a half later, she couldn't distinguish colors and felt she shouldn't drive. "

...tomorrow i can hopefully clean my room and then corral someone into watching Amelie with me.

2001-12-05T04:57:00.000-06:00

oh yes. its come to my attention that my new background makes my journal, damn near unreadable. im working on it, a domain is in the cards by the end of the month.

2001-12-05T04:54:00.000-06:00

/adam ant - beat my guest

nothing to say really.....lots of little good things and lots of the bad. lottery or car crash. perpertual states of emergency, but hey life is a million coin flips, so how can i lose?

i went to a surreally lame costume party. all the women were naked and all the men were clothed and not in costume, no less! anyway, even though at the time i thought i didn't have fun, itll be one of those things ill remember, like the time i tried to apply at that adult video store in the stripclub district (they never called me back), and a woman and her dog came in, and she bought some lube. i'd post some pictures of myself, but i think ill try that look again this weekend with a better idea in my head and get better pics.

im starting to like working out. i started a couple weeks ago after i met these two bulky black guys. apparently all they do are push-ups all day. "do those, and after a while youll look in the mirror and say damn im a sexy motherfucker" we were all in a bathroom in front a mirror when this went on...

im also starting to develop these obsession with gloves. i want to wear them all the time. i dont want to touch anyone or anything ever again.

i visited a friend earlier today then went to ikea. those type of stores always make me feel really guilty. i mean, why should i get to pick my rooms color scheme when theres someone in calcutta smarter than me sleeping in a gutter? i've heard my mom tell stories of when she would see american G.I.'s have barbecue's and amazed watching one person eat a hamburger that could very well feed an entire family. my sister told me she once threw away a underboiled egg in the trash, and my dad picked it out and ate it! and i have a trust fund! (the makings of one, at least). oh well, i guess as chris eigeman says in metropolitan"It's a tiny bit arrogant of people to go around worrying about those less fortunate"....i just remembered earlier i waved away a windshield wiping bum then laughed because he wiped my dirty windshield for free. oh well, i explicity remember saying "DO NOT WASH MY WINDSHIELD". only women in expensive cars cave in after a time saving warning like that.

and since thinking of metropolitan reminds of the lead character Audrey Rouget, who looks like brunnette Molly Ringwald, free association time

i tried to find a picture of the "Lagomorph!" screencap from final fantasy 3/6. then i really would have gotten the power-up, and won the game.

....i can believe i just said that...

2001-11-30T05:13:00.000-06:00

UPDATE: that proposed plan about doing something constructive ended up being

1. taking a nap
4. actively said *twice* that i want the coldplay album :(. its manifest destined i supposed. it out of my control.
2. doing push-ups till i couldn't
3. reading some magazines. bjork article so incredibly good i had to stop reading to savor it. and fictional short story by sean sorenson that i really liked.
5. thought "hey man, yummy is really cool word"... reptilian brainstem in a way..yummy...nummy...yummy.
6. actively fantasied about living on the ocean floor. even though i don't like water...strange, that.

did i mention i regged a domain and hosting? i didn't like the way the hosting service was run by the second day, so i asked for refund. i still own the domain, but am not going to use it. another one. im still trying to brainstorm somehting striking up. most of the cooler and simple have have been taken up long long ago. even domains named after audrey hepburn movies (thechildrenshour.org), fictional game companies in eXistenZ (antennae.org), video game titles (rivalschools.net), and loose theoretical religious concepts (invisiblecollege and fourthworld)...any help here people? im trying to avoid name-checking, but am not above it.

2001-11-29T20:03:00.000-06:00

woo. i have absolutely nothing to do tonite and im so glad. hope i can get some reading or some peripheral things done....

i got my goldfrapp 2 cd yesterday, even though i know all the songs already by heart, its nice to have the hard copy...to focus on with diamante precision....the perfect mood music to drive along to at night, in this chilly, sometimes rainy weather....it often makes think about driving my car into the side rail off the freeway...like gloomy sunday does...but in a good way...

2001-11-28T02:48:00.000-06:00

/listening to army of lovers - my army of lovers.

the last week has been a flurry of work work and more work. at least to me, it seems. im lazy as hell. doing bouts of nothing needs to be followed by brief periods of lying in bed, not sleeping.

...i just remember last week had thanksgiving in it. i think i overslept.

i went to the dentist today, who happens to by my sister. a real pro, and i didn't have to pay for my root canal (!). my mouth is an artifical mess. it makes me sad sometimes....i eat lots of sugar so this all seems...predestined. im a mess.....if i lived in less modern times my rotting mouthful of teeth would give me perpetual pain, and im sure tigers would have eaten my ass by then because of my poor eyesight......im sure that doesn't bother other people, but im the kind of person that feels like he's failed, by having to do little, time consuming things, like eat, sleep, or having to go the bathroom....i'd be obsessive compulsive or something if i wasn't so lazy.

see! even muhammed ali fought against tooth decay, and he was a much better man than me...

it also occured to me we don't have enough pictures of us doing things....like in the dentist chair, or taking out the trash, or haunched into stirrups delivering an eight pound baby, we just have these pictures of us smiling like idiots in front of some monument, on only one plane of reality. whats the point really?

for a dramatic representation, i looked like alot like the fellow on the left, as my sister was going for my molars. it was quite absurd really. yes i had a mirror. i was bored.

its really raining and thundering right now. i wonder if my lights will turn off and on right now, losing this entry.....

i got gas at 92 cents a gallon today. the weather was really really cold, which i enjoy. it doesn't get cold enough in texas. i *love* jacket weather. in fact im quite obsessed with covering my body as much as possible, snapping up gloves, long winter coats, and white furred galoshes (if i can find them). im going for that goldfrapp line they say in a documentary, allison golfrappp in golden ringlets, finishing each others lines..

him(about the sound idea of an album):".....people trolling about some sort of snowy vista, wearing peculiar lederhosen...."
her : "and getting whipped!!...."
him: "....fairy tales whipping sessions.."
her: "in tudor rooms.."
him: ".with roughs on, i believe.."
herl: "...looking on at snowy landscapes..."

just caught a goldfrapp performance on conan o brien, even though i haven't watched television in about 2 months...somewhat impressive...with costumes ranging from goth U.S.O showgirls/ stewardesses, camoflauge, and german yodeler lederhosen. i don't know if i want to go all the way to L.A. again *JUST* to see them though. :)

last week i caught Book of Love when they came to town. they didn't play the two songs i *really* wanted to hear, Lullaby and Honey Honey, two pop classics. the show was okay i guess; i've kind of grown accustomed to the fact that what i expect of things in real life can *never* live up to the experiences i make up in my own head.

/KOOL AID MAN BURSTS THROUGH THE WALL, RACKING UP A GRISLY DOUBLER MURDER!!

anyway, here are pictures from the show, i think i stopped after 14. in fact, i don't remember too much of the show at all, except that i looked cool and that ill wear whatever i was wearing sometime soon...hey..get a load of all the hands!

....the act of photography scares the shit out of me sometimes. in a way...the possibilities are virtually endless, its whatever you want to put in front of you. but also, you can only *take* pictures of whats in front of you. so you can't just leave it undreamt up in your head...... and then's theres photoshop! jesus!

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2001-11-25T02:53:00.000-06:00

Equidistance: jennifer jason leigh is my eye makeup idol
Equidistance: was single white female a good movie?
Morrjen: disturbing. you'd probably like it.
Morrjen: there's a masturbating scene
Equidistance: you know me so well
Equidistance: http://i.imdb.com/Photos/Events/0114-fro/leighjen.nif
Equidistance: that reminds me...i must have mrs. parker and the vicious circle on dvd
Morrjen: she's very hobbit-like
Equidistance: I HATE YOU
Equidistance: DIE!
Equidistance: IM GOING TO PLAY WITH YOUR BLOOD
Equidistance: THEN TATTOO YOUR SENIOR CLASS PICTURE ONTO MY CHEST

2001-11-21T16:18:00.000-06:00

after reading
this

Equidistance: EKG's are fun. i have one done every month
Equidistance: can you feel the electric pulse? i can, about half the time
MFS ANGEL3: yeah i could feel it
MFS ANGEL3: write that in my LJ
Equidistance: write wot?
MFS ANGEL3: that you have an EKG done every month
Equidistance: no, i have a dominatrix do it.
Equidistance: then she makes me drink cologne out of a dog bowl
MFS ANGEL3: nuh uhhh
Equidistance: then i go to the gym and totally wail on my pecs
Equidistance: but don't tell anyone mary..
Equidistance: ill just die!
MFS ANGEL3: getting blood taken was kind of fun too,i think i actually would go back for the whole process once a month
MFS ANGEL3: when electricity was first invented prominent bussinessmen would pay to have themseleves mildly electrocuted
MFS ANGEL3: they thought it was healthy
Equidistance: i love you!
MFS ANGEL3: you could also buy electric underwear
Equidistance: when vibrators first came out, doctors used them to treat housewives....
Equidistance: ...of "hysteria"

2001-11-15T03:39:00.000-06:00

/watching bjork - hidden place video over and over on 2nd monitor.

haven't updated in a while. to be honest i don't try to get in the habit about writing i did that day, much less waste time writing about it after the fact, y'know?

last weekend, i went with friends to L.A.. pseudo business for me, a daytrip for my friends. we watched scarface (that is one over the top movie. they ate it up) and pimps ups, hos down on the way over. i had also rented john woo's a better tomorrow, which was just a nameless killfest when i mistook for this movie i wanted to see again 'Once a Thief', which was about a love trangle between art thieves. that night was quite strange, i felt like i was at summer camp, not a lot of sleeping, just alot of childminded talking :). i haven't laughed that much in ages, and about so little. the next day i was in chinatown for most of the day, and my friends at strip clubs, i suppose. on the way back, i read 'the perks of being a wallflower' which is apparently universally loved. and it was somewhat good. just a bit too twee. i like things...that at least imply something a bit more sinister.

i also really really want to Actraiser soundtrack, Symphonic Suite. supposedly its been out of print( and foreign!) for years now, and hard to even find as a pirate copy. i just sagemono dammit!

...yesterday..i blushed, and i quite remember the last time i've done that....i guess im not as robotic as i thought.

my trip to china looks, at this point, like it may not work out. my client basically tried to lowball me, and i said 'hey baby, if you can't meet my price, then its just not worth my time. in fact, even if you DO meet my price its not worth my time'. i'll see what happens, doesn't matter to me either way. if i go, its be a paid vacation, and oppurtunity to find cheap goods that i can flip. if i can't go, then i can make money here and dye my hair pink and black.

at this precise moment in time, i really really REALLY want to change. change the way i think, the way i act, the way i look, the way i move. i mean, there IS a small undercurrent of self-loathing in all interesting people, and i think thats necessary. you always need a reason to really run. i just think its time. since my ideas are thoughts in progress, i really don't want to go THAT much in details. hopefully it be a grand undertaking.

"The future can be learned for a price, but the story of the past is free"

lately ive been really interested in photography again, also...hopefully enough to finally learn all the technical stuff :)

something else ive been interested is the art of chiho aoshima, one of artists of the several years old superflat show. hopefully it'll come around here SOMETIME soon. im kinda snotty, and i admit, im young. i DO think i know it all, for the most part. i subcribe to the not directly warhol but influenced notion that the best art can be understood in the time it takes to drink a coke (taking it in over and over again is a different matter altogether) to me, it seemed you can't do anything new on flat surfaces, you know? im always thinking what the 'new form' will be. same thing with writing, at the tip of everyone's tongue there is a new way to write.....without the contraints or rules of fiction, prose or poetry....needless to say, if i knew what it was i'd be doing already.

heres one of here works i scanned. ill translate what it says on the side. it think it very appropriate for how i feel at the moment.

A girl loves a goldfish.

One day the girl's boyfriend says to her, "i want tempura of the goldfish."

The deep sorrow of the goldfish splashes hot oil onto her right eye.

Her right eye melts and comes out.

The long night, as if tomorrow would never come.

She keeps shedding tears and blood.

She knows the goldfish is really important.

It is almost dawn.

She felts the goldfish passes through her body and goes away.

She finally stands up and says "Let's go to an eye doctor."

2001-11-08T02:24:00.000-06:00

if i was in the audience of a talk show and i was lucky enough to be chosen to make a comment, i would say: "you can't have your cake and eat it too." the rest of the audience would applaud and the people on stage would have to face up to the harsh reality of their situation.

given the second chance to comment, i would say, "the lord rapes us in mysterious ways."

2001-11-06T14:30:00.000-06:00

as i eat i like to look into the sun glaring on the big windows. i look until there is a large spot in my eye. i believe this spot is god. god never speaks - its just there a dead spot in the mechanism that reminds me it is a mechanism. i sleep there, in god, until it fades away, until the mechanism heals and again there is no god. then i go back and look into the glare.

2001-11-04T23:32:00.000-06:00

/listening to blumchen - achterbahn ....over and over again

life has been hectic lately. the last year or so its seemed like ive been waiting for something. and now it feels like ultimately there are many paths i could take from here.

i hung out with my friend serina yesterday who i haven't seen in ages. funny how money will make you want to reestablish old contacts ;). she said 'ive turned into an asshole'. and i said 'yes, i know.' its nice to be upfront with you and call you on your shit. anything else is japanese really.

there was a post halloween sale at my local comics place. i picked up optic nerve trade paperbacks. they're kinda good, but kinda suck.

i was gonna watch dr. strangelove earlier tonite but i was tied up with work. sorry kiddies.

2001-11-01T02:01:00.000-06:00

the last four things in my quote archive:
"The Angels love enthusiasm far more than perfection." --anonymous
"Just imagine me saying this in a Marilyn Monroe voice. It'll be fun!"
"in the city there's a thousand things i want to say to you"
"HAW! She showed you what having sex was like. She was all like IN YOUR FACE! I'm getting the stick and your stuck with teh carrot!"

halloween...erm...i WAS doing something today....but then i had the feeling of wanting to do nothing at all....i felt like "theres no kids even trick or treating outside. im not feeling it at all. i want to stay in. read a book. play shenmue"...but on ther other i felt "halloween comes only once a year, and besides you might not even BE in the fucking country next halloween. should i go out and have fun against my own will?"

anyway. i stayed in. the end.

2001-10-31T11:46:00.000-06:00

if you REALLY want to be scared, visit this site.

sorry my last post is messed up in a way where i can't edit it.

2001-10-31T11:40:00.000-06:00

/listening to the auteurs - she might take a train

happy halloween kiddies!

here are some halloween tips RIPPED DIRECTLY from theonion.com

Halloween Safety Tips

Halloween, though lots of frightful fun, can also be full of potential dangers. Here are some tips to make your kids' All Saints' Eve an All "Safe" Eve:

Pack your child's rectum with razor blades to make him/her less desirable to would-be molesters.

Always trick-or-treat in groups of 400,000.

Many troublemakers and dangerous people come out on Halloween night. To be safe, trick-or-treat in early March.

Safety and self-defense go hand in hand. Be sure your child's handgun has at least a 10-round magazine and is at least .38 caliber to ensure stopping power.

For optimum safety while trick-or-treating, be sure your child does not encounter fright-master screenwriter Kevin Williamson.

Equip your child with special cyanide-filled false tooth for use in case of capture.

Be sure child closes eyes before you drill eyeholes in mask.

*Beat would-be child murderers at their own game by poisoning your kids ahead of time.

Dress your child in all-black costume to make him/her virtually invisible to potentially dangerous motorists.

Tell your kids that if they see anything suspicious or scary-looking—for example, ghosts, goblins or witches—they should run to the nearest neighbor's house and call the police.
Pack child's costume with safety flares.

Before sending children off, give their anuses a good dollop of lube. This will help prevent their tissue from tearing when they are sodomized by maniacs.

Do not ring doorbells under any circumstances.

and i saw this off a forum i read:

Am I too old to go trick-or-treating, or go too school in a costume (Alex from Clockwork Orange)? To love Halloween?

Me:
you are not too old to go trick or treating

as for dressing like alex:

someone else:
If you're only fifteen, you can still go trick or treating.

But you can't look at these:

BIG TITTIES OF EUROPE"

haw.

if you REALLY want to be scared, visit

2001-10-30T00:18:00.000-06:00

oh dear lord...oh the humanity...the things i've seen today....kill me now jesus

2001-10-29T21:46:00.000-06:00

"How are you I went out of town for a convention for my company.Just got back whats the good word.Your picture was hot.Are you single or married. "

brother:
what line of work are you in? by the way I have your hoses ready, the 6 pairs and some used. I have a BF...he is only good for one thing. heehee

how was the convention..what was it for?

Pam

same person:
"I'm a high class call girl.It's great I get to travel and also make 500.00 or more during each encounter.Your hose are just driving these men crazy when i told them they were hooter hose.Some of the men paid me extra to have sex with them on.You should receive my check soon. "

brother:
wow.. I am glad to hear busness is good

PAM

same person :
"One of my clients asked about you when they seen your picture....I told him that i was not sure if you were single or have a bf.That's why i asked. p.s.He would send you a round trip ticket to NY If you were interested.That's what he told me. "

...........oh dear lord

2001-10-29T21:13:00.000-06:00

dear lord....i stuck a keylogger into my brothers computer a while back and reading his email right now. hes pretending to be a hooters waitress to sell more stuff on ebay. i love/hate the internet.

......hmmm

2001-10-29T00:21:00.000-06:00

oh....the thing that i mentioned in my last post was that i thought i might be going to china on business again, under the same circumstances i went last year. and i think i am. i dunno...or i could decline. the deal is less attractive now and i have already have a couple somewhat time sensitive gigs here, stateside.

lets see...yesterday i went out with jen and got drunk. i hit my head on a concrete wall too. it hurt. earlier today i took some classes that happened to be situated at the lower level of the houston museum of natural science. they gave me a visitor pass because the place even wasn't open to the public at the time. after class i just wandered around. i particular seemed to get excited about trilobites and seashells.....im definitely becoming a hardcore geek these days. yesterday i was reading about how to hack power company meters...and even pondering working as a meter reader...for like a month..:) ....im feeling a bit more of everything. i just kind of accepted that certain destinations are inevitable....im a capable and intelligent person...i have a feeling over the long run ill land feet first. :) for awhile i was a bit paralyzed by making choices..now i seem to relish decision making. i had certain goals that i wrote down two years ago, and they are entirely accomplishable (is that a word?). basically it was to be rich enough to live a Kramer-like existence and do nothing....and to have a roomful of chairs. now i see it is entirely possible/happening. in fact, im a bit more ambitious. i want to have enough where a child/protege/whatever under my care have has as many opportunities, like passive income, and perhaps raising it in another country. i look at myself, and i look at the indian immigrant just off the boat working at my one hour photo mat, and our work ethic is entirely different, already going for his comp sci . of course, he'll live the paycheck life, and i....im trying to get around that.but still, for someone who's environment i'd be able to shape, i'd want to mix the both of those worlds in. maybe make him/her go to church alot and civic duties and crap. i don't have any of that stuff instilled in me, (i made a conscious effort when i was young to strip myself of anything involving morality or guilt to be able to thrive in as many situations as i would encounter). and i dunno, sometimes i wish for the drama...texture...the themes that a traumatic childhood would give me...i mean look at richard simmons....the guys a trainwreck...but a rich, unfulfilled one.

anyway im gonna scan the museum pass, maybe use it another time. :)

i don't know if i've discussed this here...but one of my short term goals was to move to japan/hong kong/korea and teach english there for a couple years. the money's fab, easy work, and they are actual places i want to live anyway.

i just found out this weekend that it is very possible...but now i dont know i want to go anymore....if someone asked me a month ago..i would have jumped at it....now...i have...personal/professional reasons to stay....i dunno....in any case..if i ever go..it would be at least a year from now...hey taylor. why don't you run me through the pros/cons of living korea versus japan?

2001-10-25T00:56:00.000-05:00

i got lost TWICE trying to find ikea today. all i wanted was a fucking lamp. is that so wrong?

i had two thoughts i had driving. you know that commercial with the Krazy Glue guy and he glues his hardhat onto some shit? wouldn't it be funny if the wind blew and he just snaps his neck, yet the glue holds? ...and then, his body twists off or something...hmmm

the other strange thought was after i saw an 'Everybody Loves Raymond' billboard...for some reason, i thought of 'Everybody Loves Machine', the violent S&M porn star who lives with his mom in the crap movie, 8MM.

strange life altering (well at least for the short term) things may happen tomorrow. ill see how it pans out.

2001-10-23T17:18:00.000-05:00

O U C H !

2001-10-21T17:40:00.000-05:00

not much planned for today. just watch amadeus and clean my room...which i've put off for...say....9 months.

yesterday i found what i've been searching for the last couple days, the japan issue of nylon ( i got the paris issue of interview a few days ago. its good.)...when i saw it on the magazine rack i started cooing and stroking it....the magazine.

two random thoughts today... if they have gynecologists in a specialty field for the vagina, then why not one for the penis? and instead of the wandering dutchman, how about the wandering tourist? he has no home....... i guess the first had to do with watching dead ringers, and the second had to do with those tourist of death pictures you see popping up all over the net. :)

2001-10-20T05:13:00.000-05:00

YES!

2001-10-20T04:58:00.000-05:00

listening to /tin machine - tin machine.

you ever think of about how absurd life...and existence really is? its pretty queer really. its like.... a man slipping on a banana peel and slipping into a coma

..hur hur...um...yesterday i watched dead ringers while babysitting a baby yesterday. his name is logan.

BRAINS!

our parents think he's named after this asian fruit, but his father and i both know it's he's named after wolverine from x-men. he's really zen. doesn't cry at all. as opposed to my sisters kid who can cry for HOURS. i mean., you'd assume they would tire themselves out eventually right? strange thing. two and my sisters and my brother's wife magnaged to have babies within months of each other. whatever

dead ringers was really good. im starting to think the director, david cronenberg is a real genius. very kafka. im in awe of his work, but at the same time, thinking, how do give him money to make theis messed sup shit? i was at the movie rental place, looking for his other movie, m. butterfly, since i read about the true story about it recently while i was reading 'the art of seduction'. couldn't find that, or naked lunch, so i got dead ringers which was about the semi true story about twin gynecoloiogists.
it has genevieve bujold , who i only know from the house of yes, in which she plays the mother of freaternal twins who are in love with each other. she speaks in this wierd this clipped, non geospecific accent which i can't seem to get enough of. she's like the female christopher walken!...

i have also have rented amadeus,, and i will work on that later.

i know i seem to jabber about this to every one who'll listen...but i just saw the new goldfrapp video 'pilots' and it is so just gorgeous. it has flight attendants doing busby berkeley(sp?) ballet moves on razor scooters and goldfrapp singing on an ottoman in army pilot regalia. just listening to the song really makes me really want to buy and play a theremin...i remember reading about a guy in the 50's who could could a hacksaw with a violin bowstring, and it sounded so much like a human voice that some parisians in an alley backed him and forced him to play it whilst holding a bread roll in his mouth.

.....im actually thinking of going to either LA or NY to see one of her shows....i actually have both the time AND the money these days.

earlier tonight my brain had an orgasm. my mind, totally seperate from the from the body

....yeah..i was somewhere else..chemically and this was happening to the the violins at the end of hooverphonic's renaiisance affair........as i felt this, i actually thought 'wow!', and my brain said. shut the fuck up. don't think. you''ll ruin everything. hmm ...

2001-10-18T04:16:00.000-05:00

okay. i just changed back to my last blog comment, hoster thing. i didn't like the fact that the new one didn't show the number of comments.

comment away boys!

homer: "should i comment it slow or comment it fast?
marge(insinuating sex): "you should comment it slow AND fast."
lisa: *groan*

2001-10-16T01:50:00.000-05:00

/listening to the toy dolls - james bond lives down our street

I temped at an elemtary school. As school was letting out I held open one of those large glass doors. This little girl outstretches both her arms and gives both my legs a huge hug, while burying her head in my crotch. The worst part is she just looked up at me and smiled, I was too terrified and stunned to move.

To this day I avoid little kids, they are just too damn unpredictable.

My neighbors 19 year old uneducated, unemployable, slut daughter got married to some guy just out of Air Force boot camp. They met in a tattoo parlor and "dated" for a month. He got transferred out west. Here it is 5 1/2 months later and her stupid parents have gone to get her because, to quote her mom, "...he only likes to do her from behind. That way he doesn't have to look at her." Her mom told me and my wife that shit....and they are surprised that the marriage isn't working.

Holy crap I live next door to fucking white trash.

....dear lord i love lowbrow.com,

2001-10-15T03:49:00.000-05:00

uh oh, i'm starting to get the fear. and for no particular reason either, which is the worst. tell me what to do god! i am your divining rod! kill the prime minister of malaysia?

i dont know if i should take a pill right now or what...no i shouldn't

i wish i could funnel this energy into something productive...

i was pondering reading other people's blogs/journals but then i remembered that 75% are filled with self pity and loathing. although i think it's quite healthy to induldge in these kinds of mood cycles, i do hope and aspire to sooner or later, becoming a master of my own emotions (an old term i gleaned from sales, before i got sick of the game)

2001-10-14T22:26:00.000-05:00

/listening to allison goldfrapp - pilots

i just getting ready to pounce on this kylie minogue tank top, when it got sniped at sixty six freaking dollars!! thats madness

...i really wanted it though..... :( ....i think kylie minogue is one of few reasons to live for today. not in the past.. not in the future. right now

david mack is one of those things hitting their creative peaks too.

..look what i just found trying to look elsewhere for a a kylie glitter tank top.

Lonely Kylie cries herself to sleep

She may have just been anointed style queen of the world and is the hottest thing in British pop, but Kylie Minogue admits she cries herself to sleep at night through loneliness.

Minogue says she is close to depression and wonders whether fame has robbed her of friends and family.

After the high of a concert, she says she returns to reality with a thud.

"You step on to the stage and there are 10,000 people in front of you with an overwhelming admiration for you ... for two hours you are the greatest woman there is," she told the Daily Mail newspaper.

"Then you get back to the hotel, go to reception and ask, 'Any messages? No, ma'am, no message. Faxes? - No. E-mails - No.'

"You get such a kick and suddenly it's all over. That's a good ground for uncertainty and depression.

"At the end I usually burst into tears."

The Australian has been embraced as Britain's favourite artist and is currently topping both the single and album charts here.

Yesterday she was hailed as the world's style leader by Elle fashion magazine and is at the top of Britain's A list, but she questioned whether her success has been worth it.

"I climbed the ladder of success. Now I'm right at the top, but when I look down from the dizzy heights there's no-one there except me.

"Hello? Where are my friends? Is my family still there?"

She said she longed for a break from the spotlight.

"I have to find out who I am. I want to live without the pressure that always surrounds me," she said.

2001-10-14T22:15:00.000-05:00

holy fuck. i had to plug another comments javascript....i mean whats the point anymore. >: (

2001-10-11T04:24:00.000-05:00

today i cooked a little something...mycology related. my target date is by halloween....

while picking up supplies at lowe's i bought a venus flytrap.

i just saw the best A&E Life Stories EVER!! it was about richard simmons. it had such choice setups like "now that richard was going to a boys only private school, he could no longer be protected by a group of girls. and since he was not on acdemic scholarship like his brother, he had to takes cares of the grounds." Richard: "people would make fun of me, so the next day i bought a clown outfit to wear as i raked the leaves. and i would be crying under the mask". or "i loved food so much it became my enemy".

...i love that kind of stuff....also he's a workaholic and hes no social life, even though he has more money than he knows what to do with...and they not once made a reference to him being achingly, obviously gay.....all in all, an interesting figure...i watched it while eating a chicken pot pie ("were you poor? did you eat chicken pot pie?" " jackie no")

hmm..also yesterday i got an mp3/cd player installed in my car. i haven't had a working radio in my car for a couple years now, and haven't really missed until a couple weeks ago i was stuck in traffic to a black guy in black del sol jamming the new bjork cd....i must admit, it makes me want to drive more...i think one of the main reasons i never finished my degree was the daily commute..and walking around...i regret nothing..... FORCING the car next to me to listen to Right Said Fred's Don't Talk Just Kiss, was the highlight of my day.

then i drove a friend i haven't seen in a while to that internet cafe that i applied for work, i mentioned it in a old post, i think. played counterstrike.....which i've never really done. it was fun....... it's just the stigma attached to that little subculture...and the fact that i have a very very addictive personality....i know i could play those types of things for a couples days straight..its happened before..in different situations.....there's nothing wrong with that in itself..it's just you learn nothing new......those guys there...they had a pizza delivered there and ate it. i couldn't help but think....don't you have a home to go to?

i working my way through pedro almodovar's women on the verge of a nervous breakdown...and i can't help but think..how can this guy be gay, his work is obviously sexually charged.

look what i just got on icq:
Meathead: did you still want those NKOTB stickers?
Count Feedback (me): Dear God, YES!

apparently he 4500 nkotb stickers off ebay and he wants to unload them...now i'm not the biggest NKOTB fan..i mean..not after Joey went through puberty and his voiced changed...but they had some pretty pop singles..

off pitchforkmedia.com, which really ever let me down, i might add:
" If you'd told me a few weeks back that I'd be lusting after some chick named Goldfrapp, I'd have told you to pack your bags for an all-expenses-paid trip to my fist. But writing this review, all I can think of is Goldfrapp. Sweet, sweet Goldfrapp. Mmm... Goldfrapp. Taking cues from apparent influences ranging from Marlena Dietrich to Siouxsie Sioux to Björk, Alison Goldfrapp has constructed an album that's simultaneously smarmy and seductive, yet elegant and graceful"

i just watched their video for "Utopia" and loved it. i love.....symmetry.....

since you just read through this entirely inert post..heres something i scanned recently from Grant Morrisson's run of Animal Man. he totally rules.

if you didn't know, its a Smiths lyric. rock.

2001-10-10T22:47:00.000-05:00

..i used to read weekly world news as a kid and think it was real...i also had no toys.

i think that might the reason why im so messed up today

2001-10-08T01:23:00.000-05:00

i just went night driving without glasses or contacts...heh..what was i thinking....

i just fulfilled a fantasy that popped into my head an hour ago.....to eat a swanson salisbury steak tv dinner while listening to saint etienne - martin court....and that's why i had a night drive..wearing my sisters winter coat..which im keeping and white shorts...i was singing the clash's all lost in the supermarket, and on the way home, obsessed with singing wham's - last christmas, which is just a beautiful, beautiful song, next time im at a karoake

...sigh...i think im not depressed...but just..dopamine depleted.

/looks at mp3 playlist

a taste of honey - boogie oogie oogie
wham - jitterbug
bjork - you only live twice
dubstar - jealousy
pet shop boys - it must be obvious
chet baker - but not for me
billie holliday - gloomy sunday
peggy lee - is that all there is?

...yeah..that should do it.

2001-10-07T04:52:00.000-05:00

god. claire forlani is such a horrible actress, but you certainly cannot deny that beauty, or those eyes! yeee. haven't used an image link in a while. for those interested. i found this place www.netomia.com after looking at lists comparing how the free websites lined up. i hope it doesn't go under anytime, soon...but then again, i don't think it will strain under the weight of mass pilgrimages like what happened with geocites/tripod/homestead. one bad thing is that files cant be more than 200k, but you can't beat 60 megs for free.

i can't promise anything...but i hope to have all the image links on this page fixed soon.

2001-10-06T23:17:00.000-05:00

im feeling okay, since i woke up. none of that elevated heartbeat, pupil dilating wild mood swings for me. i wish i knew what triggered these sort of episodes....then it would be like masturbation... you know how sometimes you wake up, and tired yet awake, and hit the snooze button, and the time between then and the next time you hit the button seems to last forever, yet you're fully aware? i've learned to manufacture it...synthesize it....it doesn't really get old ever.

i had this strange dream last night. bob saget had this pet ant. it was big; large as an adult male's hand. i don't remember much but bob saget ended in a pet travel carrier, and the ant closed the door on bob saget, with his back legs.

....strange...at the time the dream made perfect, iconic sense...oh well

i was walking up some stairs(with no railings) today and imagined it would be really really funny/wierd if you walked up these stairs, and about near the top of the flight, just to wander off near the side and fall off, and smack into the floor...... just the idea of someone moving upward...followed by a sudden downward motion...seems absurd...maybe im reading too much into it

/son of sam dog enters: "you must kill don, you must kill!"

/don: "no...NO!....well..okay"

2001-10-06T01:48:00.000-05:00

if you don't want your son to be unhappy, kill him at birth.
if you don't want to be responsible for your sons unhappiness. kill yourself; you are the one to blame.
avoid at all costs dying with your conscience burdened with the fact that you never killed anyone; you will not enter the kingdom of heaven, or any other kingdom.
suffering degrades us, pleasure corrupts us, poverty makes us criminals, and money makes us murderers.
a man may pardon another man almost anything except greatness.
the greatest honor to which a hero should aspire is that his country detests him; it's an honor he will attain.
the coward will allow no man to defend him, the wretched man will forgive no man who defends him. society defends a man not for his defects, but for his virtues.
never ask that people love you, ask that they please you; thats much harder, and the only thing worth asking for.
a macho has such a high opinion of masculinity that his greatest pleasure would be taking it up the ass from another man.
the soul dies before the body.
a person who loves life too greatly cannot live long.
speak well of your enemies so you do greatest harm.
do evil and let it not matter to whom, because whomever you do evil to, you are doing someone a favor.
why spend so much enegy trying to prove the existence of god, if he's never bothered to do so.
- pascal, new thoughts of pascal, or new thoughts on hell

you know...i went to high school with a girl named pascal. she didn't know english too well, i suspect, and was the daughter of the geometry teacher. she had this exagerrated look, leather jacket with a black heavy metal shirt; like a perfect copy of a different era; distilled behind strange eyes.....also, she had a boyfriend who was more femme that she was. it rocked.

..im looking for this readers digest book of fairy tales i had a kid, at the moment. i also want to read 1001 arabian nights.